Jokes

Posted on 21 November 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No," replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

-- Joke submitted by Rob Hudd   [Jokes]



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Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder, and a giraffe walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

-- Joke submitted by Irene Sabol   [Jokes]



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A man went to a pet shop and asked for a bird that could sing. The proprietor brought out a gorgeous tropical bird, looked the bird in the eye, puckered his lips and started to whistle. The bird took up the very note and finished the tune with him.

"That's mighty fine," the customer said, "but I'd never pay money for that bird. His right leg's crippled."

"I thought you wanted me to sing!" cried the bird. "I gotta dance, too?"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it... only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks, "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies, "Four."

The interviewer asks, "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says, "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question: "What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant says, "On average, four give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question, "What do two plus two equal?"

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal?"

An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy.

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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Jack & Jill went up the hill they both had a dollar & a quarter. When they got back down, Jik had 2 dollars & 50 cents...

-- Joke submitted by Bubba Sea   [Jokes]



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Top 10 Reasons College Students Are Looking Forward to Thanksgiving Break

10. You'll know that your turkey is a Butterball rather than a Grade E yet semi-edible fur ball.

9. Your mother will not be serving your mashed potatoes and stuffing with an ice cream scooper.

8. Pumpkin pie is a great alternative to green Jello.

7. After your eighth glass of cider, your emergency dash to the bathroom will not be delayed by having to line the seat with toilet paper.

6. Clean underwear, comfortable bed, access to a car, bedroom larger than a 12x14 cell... OK, even if it is for only four days.

5. To eat your meals the only trek you'll have to make is from the couch to the kitchen, rather than the dorm to the dining hall...in below freezing weather.

4. Instead of listening to "when I first started teaching here..." you can be entertained by "when your mother was your age..." and "during the Depression we weren't lucky enough to have brussels sprouts. Hell, all we could afford was the sprout!"

3. You can eat your corn steamed with butter rather than popped in your microwave

2. You'll know the hair in the shower drain is your own.

1. You won't be eating your Thanksgiving meal off a tray!

-- Joke submitted by kaliostro   [Jokes]



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Murphy's Laws Of Work

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong...

18. ...until the next person quits or is fired.

19. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

20. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...).

21. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

22. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

23. People are always available for work in the past tense.

24. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

25. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

26. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

27. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

28. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

29. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

30. The longer the title, the less important the job.

31. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

32. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

33. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

34. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

35. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

-- Joke submitted by TheWhiteRabbit   [Jokes]



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