Jokes

Posted on 11 October 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"

-- Joke submitted by mborn   [Jokes]



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A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart, so she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for his advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horse's ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

Again, she asks the farmer what to do and he tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, "Thanks for your advice. It turns out the white horse is two inches taller than the black horse!"

-- Joke submitted by callun   [Jokes]



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A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

-- Joke submitted by Ryan Moore   [Jokes]



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A man walks into a butchers shop.

Man: "A pound of kidleys please."

Butcher: "What?"

Man: "I said a pound of kidleys!"

Butcher: "Don't you mean a pound of kidneys?"

Man: "That's what I said, diddle I?"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

?Private! See that Nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.?

?Yes, Sir!? The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches.

?See, British soldiers are the bravest.?

?That?s nothing? said the Russian General

?Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.?

?Da, Comrade General!?

The Russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl.

?Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.?

The American general, unimpressed said ?Let me show you all what real courage is.?

He calls one of his men over.

?Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!?

Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says

?Go f**k yourself, General.?

?See! Now that takes some real balls!?

-- Joke submitted by jnelsoninjax   [Jokes]



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John: I just had my appendix removed.

Bud: Have a scar?

John: No, thanks, I don't smoke.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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A pet can be a wonderful addition to a household, but it's important to choose one that's right for your family. Here are some tips for making a winning choice:

1. Pets eventually grow old and die, causing your children great emotional trauma. Be sure to only choose pets which will outlive them, such as the giant Pacific sea tortoise.

2. Be sure to check for the appropriate number of limbs before you get your new pet home.

3. Pets soiling the rug in your house will only be a problem if they are given food and water.

4. Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your children.

5. Though most experts advocate spaying or neutering your pet, it's expensive, it's a big hassle, and it screws with your pet's mind. To hell with spaying and neutering.

6. Don't choose a pet that is larger than your family can handle, unless you have plenty of room to store the leftovers.

7. Only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.

8. For a fun and low-maintenance pet, consider a "jar cat." Place a kitten in a 16-ounce jar and seal the lid. Your new pet won't get any bigger and will never run away or get into fights.

9. Before letting your children play with their brand-new pet, remove potentially dangerous teeth and claws with a handheld rotating saw.

10. For those parents concerned about the added expense a pet brings, remember: many pets and children may be fed to one another.

11. Pet ownership is a great way to teach children about the entire cycle of life, from the miracle of birth to the inevitability of death. An efficient parent can teach these important lessons in about three hours.

12. Remind your children that pet ownership is a privilege they earn through good behavior. If they do not live up to this responsibility, take the pet away by sacrificing it in an elaborate ceremony involving candles, knives, readings from the Book Of Numbers, and the ritual consumption of the pet's roasted corpse.

13. Remember, pets need regular food, exercise, love and attention. You probably should not be allowed to own one.

-- Joke submitted by Olenka Krol   [Jokes]



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