Jokes

Posted on 25 February 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

1. A site called "Who Represents" where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

-- Joke submitted by Ian Murray   [Jokes]



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A rather well-proportioned woman, planned to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing.

She found the ideal spot on the roof of her hotel. It was deserted and secluded, with a smooth, raised "deck" which received the sun all day long.

She wore a bathing suit on the first day, but on the second, she decided that since no one could see her way up there, she would slip out of it and get rid of the tan lines on her back.

She'd been lying there on her stomach for a little while when she heard someone running up the stairs toward the roof.

Startled, she didn't have time to pull on her suit, and since she was lying on her stomach, she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing up here, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit, as you did yesterday."

"Yesterday!" she exclaimed, rather irritated..."Have you been following me around? And besides, what difference does it make anyway, since no one can see me? I'm on the top floor and I'm covered with a towel."

"Well, that would be true," said the embarrassed little man, "except for the fact that you're lying on the dining room skylight."

-- Joke submitted by Eddie Bert   [Jokes]



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"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.

"Nah," replied the mother-to-be, "He and my husband don't get along."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Mike was less than happy when his urologist recommended he give up sex completely if he was to beat a rare, but potentially fatal, chronic fatigue disease.

"Give up sex completely, doc?" he shouted. "I'm a young man! How can you expect me to just quit having sex?!"

"Well, you could get married and taper off gradually," the doctor prescribed.

-- Joke submitted by SweetLime   [Jokes]



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A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but decides to ask his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two sluts."

-- Joke submitted by Danny Doplin   [Jokes]



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Q: What is 3 two letter words that mean 'small'?

A: "Is it in?"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Pick-Up Lines

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.

3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]

4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

7. The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."

12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?

13. Can I flirt with you?

14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

15. [Look at his/her shirt label.] When they say, "What are you doing?":

Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
OR:
Checking to see if you're the right size.

16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.

17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]

23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

27. So... How am I doin'?

28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?

29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.

30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?

31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?

34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

35. [Regard their outfit] Gee, that's becoming on you, if you wore me, I'd be coming on you too.

-- Joke submitted by Ben Ward   [Jokes]



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