Jokes

Posted on 12 October 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A blonde woman in Georgia bought a magnolia tree from a local nursery but, after only a few months, its leaves shrivelled and it appeared to be on its last legs. She took some leaf samples back to the nursery and demanded an explanation.

"Oh, I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia tree, ma'am," said the manager.

"Good," she replied. "What is it?"

"Autumn!" he said.

-- Joke submitted by gaga   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start a family. He said, "I think my wife must be impregnable."

The second said," that's not the right word, she is inconceivable".

To which the third replied, "You are both wrong she is unbearable."

-- Joke submitted by Zamember   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A young man was having some money problems, and needed 200 to get his car fixed and roadworthy again.

But had run out of people to borrow from.

So, he calls his parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and says to his father. "I need to borrow two hundred pounds,"

At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."

The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred pounds!"

"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his father.

The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, but I can hear him perfectly clearly."

The father says, "Good. Then you send him the money!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Morris needs a lawyer, so he grabs the yellow pages and picks out a law firm Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz.

He calls up and says, "Is Mr. Schwartz in?"

The man says, "No, he's out playing golf."

Morris says, "All right, then let me speak to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's not with the firm any more, he's retired."

"Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."

"He's away in London, won't be back for a month."

"Okay, then let me talk to the other Mr. Schwartz."

The man says, "Speaking!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


You know you're in the Desert if...

1. You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
2. You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
3. You can make instant sun tea.
4. You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
5. You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
6. You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
7. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
8. Hot water now comes out of both taps.
9. It's July, it's noon, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
10. You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
11. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
12. No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
13. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
14. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

-- Joke submitted by Fantas   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Here's a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they're not looking, pour most of someone's fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it." - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as 'Bob'.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do number two".

After every sentence, say 'mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, "the report's on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, all of you just shut up!"

In a colleague's diary, write in 10 am: "See how I look in tights".

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?"

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it."

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, "not now" and walk away.

-- Joke submitted by Barry Waite   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5