Jokes

Posted on 20 May 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Mr. Smith comes to his wife, "Honey, could you be sewing on a wee button that's come off of my fly? I cannot button my pants."

"Oh Dear ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. Jones could be helping you with it."

About five minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Mr. Smith.

Mrs. Smith looks at him and says, "My goodness, what happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Yeah," says Mr. Smith. "I asked her to sew on the wee button and she did. Everything was going fine but when she bent down to bite off the wee thread, Mr. Jones walked in..."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Little Johnny's pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. "Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?"

"A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation.

"Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?"

"Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With Tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.

"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!"

-- Joke submitted by nengels   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A man approaches a woman at a bar. He buys her a drink, and after a sip or two she lets him know that she's a lady of the evening. She'd gladly go to a nearby motel with him. The man starts to explain, "There are three reasons I won't go to a motel with you. The first is that I have no money."

The woman interrupts, "You can shove the other two reasons!"

-- Joke submitted by Drew   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Jim had been out on the town with a dazzling blonde, and he was returning home as the rosy tints of dawn began to color the skies. Marshaling all his inner resources, he managed an air of sobriety and dignity before the suspicious eye and wagging tongue of his wife.

Suddenly, as he was undressing, she punctuated her harangue with a sharp, gasping intake of air.

"Jimmy," she asked through tightly clenched teeth, "Just where are your underwear?"

Bleakly, Jimmy perceived through the fog in his mind, that his boxer shorts were indeed missing. Just then, inspiration stuck.

"Oh shoot!" he cried with aggrieved dismay. "I've been robbed!"

-- Joke submitted by Brian Kerr   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim. When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size of his penis. The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

-- Joke submitted by Gotlib   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A man is walking around the streets of the city one day when he spies an old friend of his from college.

"George!" he yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"

"Well," George replies. "I am the Clarinet player for the International Orchestra."

"Spectacular! " the man replies.

"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the Queen of England, she loves the music. She says 'Fill the instruments with gold!' and they fill the Tuba with gold and they fill the Saxophone with gold, and me with the darn Clarinet."

"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the Tuba with silver and they fill the Saxophone with silver, and me with the bloody Clarinet.

"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he say 'Shove the instruments up their backsides!' and the tuba doesn't fit and the Saxophone doesn't fit. And me with the bloody Clarinet!"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


50 Things Men Should Know About Women... But Don't

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

2. Real men drive stick shift.

3. I will leave if you lie.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

11. I expect you to call me.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm...
  a)...having a fat day.
  b)...not feeling "connected" to you.
  c)...blackmailing you to get something I want.

18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.

19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

23. You should never tell me what to do.

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.

30. I want to be Madonna.

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.

32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you?and for you to recognize this.

37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....

38. Discussion of ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends should be avoided at all times.

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

41. I love it when you're sweaty.

42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

44. I like porn.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...

48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.

50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

-- Joke submitted by Umanya   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5