Jokes

Posted on 23 June 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Picture England, it's the early evening on a regular muggy day, a light drizzle splashes on the street. A drunkard leans on the gate in front of his house, looking across the street at a dashing young man talking to ladies as they stroll by his home.
Sometimes the young man takes the lady upstairs and comes back down smiling with her, other times she becomes offended, he says something else and she smiles and nods understandingly. Eventually the drunkard gets curious and crosses the street to ask him what's going on.

"Hello sir, now what's going on right here?" he asks.

The young man smiles and says, "Yes, I saw you watching. Well, whenever a lovely young bird comes by, I say to her, 'tickle your a** with a feather?' If she agrees we go upstairs and have some fun. Now if she is offended, I say to her, 'typical nasty weather.' She assumes she has misheard and goes about her business."

Thinking this is brilliant the drunkard goes home to try it out. A voluptuous woman comes by and he leans in and says to her, "Oi, can I stick a feather up yer ass?"

Startled she cries, "What!?"

He smiles and says, "Bloody rain!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A man of eighty-one yells with joy as the nurse comes in and tells him that his twenty-year-old bride just gave birth to a baby. The man muses, "I wonder if I could do it again."

Another expectant father answers, "What makes you think you did it the first time?"

-- Joke submitted by Barry   [Jokes]



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There were once two young men, one from Donegal and the other from Cork, out riding the Irish countryside when suddenly they came upon a poor sheep with its head stuck in a fence.

Well, the temptation was too much for the Donegal man and he quickly leapt from his horse and had his way with the sheep.

Upon completing his dirty deed, he stepped back and asked his buddy from Cork if he wanted some.

"You bet!" was his enthusiastic reply and he jumped down from his horse and stuck his head through the fence.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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There was this rather scruffy mongrel outside the town hall, where the dog show was taking place.

While he was sitting there scratching himself, a rather snooty sheepdog stopped and said, "I've had three Firsts, two Seconds and a highly commended."

The mongrel replied, "Oh yeah. Well I've had Four f***s, two fights and I'm highly delighted."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unknown to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery store. A kind woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "F*** no! Fact is, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."

The woman fainted.

-- Joke submitted by xoron   [Jokes]



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The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession.

"So me and my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my bedroom..."

"Go on, my child," said the priest gently.

"I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my....on my..."

"Go on."

"On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen. "And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself."

"Yes, go on," the priest directed.

"I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall," the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began to shove it in me so hard..."

"Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard.

"And then we heard the front door slam..."

"Oh, shit!!"

-- Joke submitted by lencoran   [Jokes]



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Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.

"I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white 'Vet."

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon."

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two.

"Well," he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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What To Do Or Say If You Wake Up To Your Roommate Having Sex

1. "A little to the left."
2. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend or are you just happy to see me?"
3. "Is there room for two in there?"
4. "Two words: penis extension."
5. Invite others in as a cheering section.
6. Whip out a pen a paper and take notes.
7. "Maybe it would help if you..."
8. "That's what you call erect?"
9. "That reminds me of a joke I heard..."
10. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"
11. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"
12. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."
13. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something stuck in her throat."
14. "May I cut in?"
15. "That's illegal in Arkansas."
16. "Holy whips and chains, Batman."
17. Scream at the top of your lungs. If they ask what's wrong, explain that you thought you were having a nightmare.
18. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.
19. Recite quotes from Condom Month like "Pack your wiener before you bean her" and "Wrap your packer before you wack her."
20. "Mmm...that looks good, I think I'll try some, too."
21. "Let's make a sandwich."
22. "Is that hard enough for you?"
23. "I'm going to the water fountain. Can I get you anything?"
24. "Do you like to eat at the Y?"
25. Pick up your camcorder and say "How much do you think they would pay to see this on Pay-Per-View?"

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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