Jokes

Posted on 6 December 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight, and I didn't feel so hot.

My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would solve my physical problems. He said just think in colors. Fill your plate with bright colors: greens, yellows, reds, etc.

I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.

-- Joke submitted by Sean Miller   [Jokes]



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The sergeant-major growled at the young soldier: "I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."

The soldier replied: "Thank you very much, sir."

-- Joke submitted by Luke Harjo   [Jokes]



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A blonde flying coach, notices some empty seats in first class, so she proceeds to occupy one. A flight attendant sees her, and asks, "Miss, do you have a first class ticket?"

To which she replies, "Nope, I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Vegas, and I'm flying first class."

Stunned, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit for instruction. The flight attendant explains the situation, to which the captain asks, "Is she blonde"?

The attendant says, "Yes", and the captain replies, "My wife's blonde. I'll take care of it".

The captain approaches the blonde, and whispers something in her ear, and the blonde replies, "OH REALLY?" So she gets up, and returns to coach.

Amazed, the rest of the flight crew questions the captain, "What did you tell her?"

The captain replies, "I told her first class wasn't going to Vegas, only coach is".

-- Joke submitted by Magic Mark   [Jokes]



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A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]



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A man and his wife were shoe shopping at the local mall.

A salesman greeted them very warmly, saying, "Well now, if it isn't my two favorite customers!"

The husband replied, "You must be mistaken, I have never been here before. My wife, probably, but me? Never."

"I was talking to her feet," replied the salesman.

-- Joke submitted by Emily Malahide   [Jokes]



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Two college basketball players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a ___."

Bill was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bill. "Bill, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bill. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bill. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

-- Joke submitted by Bill Glbreen   [Jokes]



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A young air force officer had a very beautiful wife. Early each morning he left his house and went to the airport, and an hour later his wife always left the house too, with a big white towel, and went for a walk on the beach.

Her husband always flew over every morning, and when she saw his aeroplane, she held the white towel high above her head. When her husband saw it, he made either the left wing or the right wing of his aeroplane go down. The left wing meant "I will be busy tonight and won't be home." The right wing meant, "In eight hours I will be holding you in my arms."

One morning he flew over with eight other aeroplanes, and his left wing went down. Before his wife had time to feel sad about this, all the other aeroplanes flew over, and each one of them turned its right wing down.

-- Joke submitted by Dandury   [Jokes]



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Insignificant thoughts

1. Isn't it strange that a group of very intelligent individuals combined into a political party become collectively stupid?

2. I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the death your right to shut up.

3. To feel good about yourself, is there a quota on how many other people each day you have to condemn?

4. Only in America would people pay $69.95 for a toaster-oven that automatically burns your frozen waffle.

5. My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think.

6. You know, you can really get wet playing games in that new Pentium-VI dishwasher.

7. If you recall childhood, you may remember that the kids who stuck straws and cigarettes up their noses back then seemed funnier than the ones who stick earrings in their noses today.

8. The NFL is boring, the NBA is disintegrating, baseball is totally predictable. Maybe we do need the XFL. Maybe we need Nude Roller Derby. Maybe we need Sumo Hockey.

9. There's just something wonderful about a cold, clear winter morning that makes you want to slow down and take time to stop and smell some hot diesel exhaust.

10. One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

11. I read the newspaper every day just to see if there's anyone I know in the obituaries or the underwear ads.

12. Okay, I have a million awesome clip art images. Now what?

13. Instead of building millionaires a new arena for their basketball team, why couldn't the city fill in a few potholes?

14. Does anyone know? If you voted for the winning congressional candidate, can you take all your campaign promises in one lump sum?

15. I encourage my children to read the newspaper, but they're holding out for a remote that turns the pages.

-- Joke submitted by parshant   [Jokes]



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