Jokes

Posted on 12 February 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

-- Joke submitted by Irene Gulana   [Jokes]



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A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress.

"You call this progress?" snapped the patient. "Six months ago, I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I'm nobody!"

-- Joke submitted by Saragosa   [Jokes]



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"How is your health these days?"

"I sleep soundly and eat like a horse."

"Let's leave your table manners out of this."

-- Joke submitted by Joe Perry   [Jokes]



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There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the one with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A man at the door says, "Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The man at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The man at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The man at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The man at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

-- Joke submitted by ritz   [Jokes]



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Man to wife: What have you been doing with all the grocery money I've been giving you?

Wife: Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

-- Joke submitted by Nika Baker   [Jokes]



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Facts

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love... but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A team of doctors attended the delivery of quintuplets who were able to walk immediately after the umbilical cords were cut. The senior doctor was asked to explain this unusual occurrence.

"I guess they had a lot of practice," said the doctor.

"What do you mean, practice?" asked a junior colleague. "They were just born!"

The doctor replied, "Well, it was standing womb only."

-- Joke submitted by zoop   [Jokes]



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Inventions Which Did Not Succeed

1. The water-proof towel
2. Glow in the dark sunglasses
3. Solar powered flashlights
4. Submarine screen doors
5. A book on how to read
6. Inflatable dart boards
7. A dictionary index
8. Mechanical pencil sharpeners
9. Powdered water
10. Waterproof tea bags
11. The helicopter ejector seat
12. The cordless extension cord

-- Joke submitted by Brenda   [Jokes]



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