Jokes

Posted on 20 July 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Waiter: You know there are no mice at our hotel.

Customer: Why, is your hotel so clean and well maintained?

Waiter: No sir, the food is so bad.

-- Joke submitted by paulgreek   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

2. Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?

3. Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

4. Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

5.Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?

6. If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?

7. Do prison buses have emergency exits?

8. Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?

9. When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?

10. If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?

11. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

12. If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?

13. If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?

14. Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?

15. If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?

16. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

17. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

18. Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?

19. What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?

20. If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?

-- Joke submitted by Nancy Turner   [Jokes]



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Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter, "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

-- Joke submitted by Roman Din   [Jokes]



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A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

-- Joke submitted by yon   [Jokes]



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Rules of Chocolate

1. If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

2. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

3. The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

4. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

5. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

6. If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

7. Money talks. Chocolate sings.

8. Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

9. Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

10. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

11. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

12. If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

-- Joke submitted by ps-ef   [Jokes]



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Middle Age

A few thoughts to make you realize that we're not wine when it comes to aging:

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin. I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

-- Joke submitted by Mark Stone   [Jokes]



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15 Ways to be Annoying

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.

2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.

3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."

4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"

5) When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.

6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."

7) Beep when a large person backs up.

8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."

9) Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"

10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.

11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.

12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.

13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.

14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.

15) Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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You Know You're A Mom When...

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.

5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

7. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

8. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.

9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

13. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.

15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

20. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

-- Joke submitted by Angela Rivva   [Jokes]



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