Jokes

Posted on 1 December 2021


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

"Rebbe, in my apartment besides me and my wife, there are also my children and my mother-in-law and I don't have enough room! What should I do?"

Rebbe: "Bring a goat in the house. Let him live with you."

The guy: "But Rebbe, there is no place for me!"

Rebbe: "Bring a goat in the house, I tell you!"

In a month the guy comes again... "Rebbe, it became much worse, there is no place. With the goat in the apartment there is no place to move."

Rebbe: "Now get rid of the goat!"

On the next day, guy comes to Rebbe full with happiness: "Thank you, thank you Rebbe. It is so good now, so much space!"

-- Joke submitted by Ed Simonovich   [Jokes]



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A band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve.

Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

-- Joke submitted by Kevin Gasper   [Jokes]



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"You've got a very large stomach."

"Do you think I should diet?"

"Oh, the color's all right -- it's just the size."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Two accountants were returning home from a client meeting. They took the cheapest seats on the plane so they each were occupying the center seat on opposite sides of the aisle. They continued their discussion of the knotty tax problem that had been the subject of their client meeting through takeoff and meal service.

Finally, one of the passengers in an aisle seat offered to trade places so they could talk and he could sleep.

After switching seats, one accountant said to the other, "That was the first time a tax discussion ever kept anyone awake."

-- Joke submitted by Ella Dowling   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

2. If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?

3. Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.

4. If a lesbian has sex with other women but never with another man is she still considered a virgin?

5. If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?

6. If a transvestite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half?

7. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

8. Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

9. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

10. Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?

11. Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

12. If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

13. Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

14. Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?

15. If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?

-- Joke submitted by Paul Clark   [Jokes]



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Defining Occupations As They Actually Are

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief".

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Schoolteacher - Is some one who likes children. A royal baby sitter.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go somewhere you don't like in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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Rules of a True Guy

Rule 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule 2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

Rule 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

Rule 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, you may complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

Rule 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

Rule 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

Rule 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

Rule 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

Rule 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Rule 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

Rule 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight partially clothed or naked.

Rule 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.

Rule 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Rule 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

Rule 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Rule 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

Rule 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Rule 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, unless she's withholding sex pending your response.

Rule 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Rule 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Rule 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

Rule 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Rule 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

Rule 26: Thou shall not buy a car or motorcycle in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

Rule 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

Rule 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Figure Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

-- Joke submitted by Andrew Granovski   [Jokes]



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You Might Be in the Health Care Field If...

1. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal is perfectly normal to you.
2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.
3. You believe in serial spraying of Prozac.
4. Your idea of comforting a child is placing him in a papoose restraint.
5. You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
6. You believe that the government should require a permit to reproduce.
7. You think unspeakable evil will befall you is anyone says: "Boy, it sure is quiet around here."
8. When you are out in public, you compliment complete strangers on their veins.
9. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled: "Suicide - Getting It Right The First Time."
10. You have ever had to leave a patient's room before laughing hysterically.
11. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
12. You have ever restrained someone, and it was not a sexual experience.
13. You commonly utter the phrase: "What changed tonight at 2am that made this emergency after 6 months?!"
14. You believe that "Too Stupid To Live" should be a diagnosis.
15. You think putting a Valium salt lick in the ER waiting room is a novel idea.
16. When you mention vegetables, you are not thinking of a food group.
17. You have been exposed to so many x-rays you don't even bother with birth control.
18. You have used the words "Healthcare Reform" to strike fear in the hearts of your co-workers.
19. You have heard, "Why, I don't know how that got stuck there" too many times.

-- Joke submitted by Alyssa Wilson   [Jokes]



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