Jokes

Posted on 22 November 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Finding a bottle on the beach, Jake uncorks it and releases a genie.

"Ah, now you get three wishes," says the genie.

"Great!" Jake replies. "First, I want one billion dollars."

Poof! There's a flash, and a paper with Swiss bank account numbers appears in Jake's hand.

"Next, I want a nice ocean-side house in Hawaii."

Poof! Another flash, and he is holding the deed to an ocean side property in Hawaii.

"Finally," Jake says, "I want to be irresistible to women."

Poof! There's another blinding flash ...and Jake turns into a box of chocolates.

-- Joke submitted by Yonezz   [Jokes]



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A priest put up a signboard outside his church saying, "I pray for all."

A lawyer passing by wrote underneath, "I plead for all."

"I prescribe for all," scribbled a doctor.

"And I pay for all!" added a citizen.

-- Joke submitted by Charles   [Jokes]



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It is for good reason that you'll hear a lot of talk about the weather in Ireland. The Irish are used to cloudy skies and regular showers because they know that a puff of breeze will soon clear the sparkling air. A "soft day" is the euphemism for drenching rain, an all too frequent occurrence in the Emerald Isle for those not yet acclimatized to the wonders of the Irish climate.

A newly arrived visitor from the States was interested in learning the projected status of the weather. After all, he had rented a car and hired a guide for the week that he, his wife, and two friends were planning on touring.

"How has the weather been lately?" the American inquired.

"Not bad," returned the driver. "It only rained twice last week. Once for three days and once for four days."

-- Joke submitted by Ann Trelawney   [Jokes]



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Men Are Like...

Men are like placemats... They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like mascara... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like bike helmets... They are handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like government bonds... They take so long to mature.

Men are like parking spots... The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.

Men are like copiers... You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like lava lamps... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like bank accounts... Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like high heels... They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like curling irons... They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like mini skirts... If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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You've been programming too long when...

1. When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5...".

2. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 32 or 64 bits.

3. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

4. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

5. When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

6. When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

7. When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

8. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.

9. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

10. When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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The prison officer tells the warden, "Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out."

The alarmed warden says, "Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police."

With a surprised look, the officer says, "Shouldn't we call the doctor first it looks as if it might be measles."

-- Joke submitted by Rani Andrew   [Jokes]



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"Now my motto in life," said the school chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?"

"My motto is let bygones be bygones."

"That's good. Why did you choose that?"

"So I wouldn't have to take any history classes!"

-- Joke submitted by Umanya   [Jokes]



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The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

-- Joke submitted by Wayne Gole   [Jokes]



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