Jokes

Posted on 22 April 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals and said in a demanding voice: "Listen up kids! There will be no sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to Jim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"S**t!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper. "I got the donkey's receipt!"

-- Joke submitted by kortis   [Jokes]



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An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them. And every morning, he would see all the pigs screwing up a storm. He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to screw his wife -- but he always got soft before he got there. So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pig pen.

"No!" said his wife. "Don't kill those pigs!"

"I'm not going to kill them. I'm moving the pen closer to the house."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Q: Why can't a blonde count to 70?

A: Because 69's a mouthful.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

-- Joke submitted by Mia Solo   [Jokes]



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A few sex positions you may not know

Chinese Checkers:
Where you jump from hole to hole while jumping holes already filled. A variation can be played with 2 people but it is much more recommended to play with 3+ people. In this game everyone wins.

Top Hat Monocle Position:
A higher class sexual position in which a top hat and monocle are used. The imagination is used to make for a kinky sexual environment. A very passionate and energetic sex position.

WWF Champions:
When your in the 69 position and while a girl is sucking your dick you pick her up from the bed and piledrive her to the ground.

Sex Clown:
The act of suddenly and without warning blowing your load on a woman's breasts and face during sex, followed by a quick honking of her nose. The honking can be done simply for comedic effect, or, as an act of courtesy, to squeeze out any jizz that may have entered her nostrils. NOTE: the person on the receiving end may not put out for weeks after experiencing the sex clown.

Omega Position:
A sex move that collapses space-time to a single point which then expands and cools to form a new universe. (That's why they call it the 'big bang'.)

Simon Sex:
Having sex while the chosen partner, "Simon" gets to shout out different positions, and the other partner has less then 30 seconds to perform. Gets progressively tougher. If they fail they get punished (some people play to lose).

Rodeo Position:
When a man has sex with his woman in the Doggy Position, leans over and says, "You know, your sister likes this position too." And tries to hang on for 8 seconds.

Canada's History:
The most gruesome sex act in the kama sutra that usually involves maple syrup, at least one moose, a duck, the Stanley Cup, and as many beavers as you'd like. This sex position is less popular than most others mainly because it is stickier than most, but is still gaining popularity in certain regions.

The Pirate:
While a man and woman are having sex, the man kicks the woman in the shin and cums in her eye. This causes her to yell "Arrrrr" and then wear an eye patch.

Meatloaf Pie Snatcher:
Quite possibly the only sex position ever known to get the red-headed cowboy off. At times taking up to 14 hours to complete, one must have the utmost stamina to perform the task. This is not for the light-hearted, as last week's lunch is normally involved. Originated in the heart of North Carolina, the first meatloaf pie snatcher ever performed created the loudest sonic boom, in this case referred to as "quantum stroke," ever recorded. Chuck Norris himself was said to have exclaimed, "damn, man!" To compete, Chuck then invented the Potroast Poledance, but no normal human has since replicated the feat, and the first three women involved perished, and roundhouse kicking may have been a factor.

-- Joke submitted by BBL   [Jokes]



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A guy went to the drug store and got a box of condoms.

He found a check out counter with a girl that he thought was really cute. He walked up to her, and said: "Do you know where the fitting rooms are? Oh, and I might need some assistance."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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