Jokes

Posted on 24 April 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.

"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.

"Only $4 each," says Green.

The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.

"You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.

"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."

-- Joke submitted by ritz   [Jokes]



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After giving the hired man a dressing down for being late in returning with supplies, the farmer demanded, "Okay, now let's hear how it happened, Miller."

"Well, I picked up a minister along the road," explained the hired hand, "and from there on the mules couldn't understand a word I said."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorted disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

"You idiot!" the Englishmen replies angrily. "Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

-- Joke submitted by Hammerbold   [Jokes]



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A dietician talks to a patient:

- So, here's your diet: 300 grams of stewed onions per day, 400 grams of green chicory and as much lettuce as you want.

- Doctor, should I hang a bell on the neck or I can graze as is?

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



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What state mottos should be

Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: Se Habla Ingles
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
Florida: The Gunshine State
Georgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: For Sale
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: The Sue Me State
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: You're Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don't Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Incest is Best
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Don't Mess with Texas-We're Armed
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family-Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?

-- Joke submitted by BestKing   [Jokes]



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A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing! We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours on this job, meals will be provided, and you will also be required to escort this young lady on her overseas holiday trips. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The young man said, "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it."

-- Joke submitted by Vicky   [Jokes]



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Doctor to the patient: "Did I not give you the medicine yesterday? Did you take it?"

Patient: "Yes, sir. But I did not drink it."

Doctor: "Why?"

Patient: "Because it is written on the label: 'Close the cork tightly and keep it in a cool place.'"

-- Joke submitted by Ann Trelawney   [Jokes]



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Terrible Truths

Rudy's First Rule on Holes: When you find yourself in a hole stop digging.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Van Roy's Law: Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition.

Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.

Agnes' Law: Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.

Clarke's Conclusion: Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.

Goda's Truism: By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Johnny Carson's Observation: The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

Golub's Laws of Project Execution:
a) Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
b) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.
c) The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time.
d) Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.

The Phone Booth Rule: A lone quarter always gets the number nearly right.

Thornton's N-1 Rule: When attempting to recall a memorized list of N items, you will remember only N-1 items.

Corollary to Thornton's N-1 Rule: If you attempt to recall the same list ten minutes later, the missing item will be different.

Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Zall's Laws:
1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong.
2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

Ettore's Observation: The other line moves faster.

McPhearson's Observation: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Griffin's Thought: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Pudder's Laws:
a) Anything that begins well ends badly.
b) Anything that begins badly ends worse.

Cann's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

Troutman's Postulate for Computer Programming:
- Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers.
- Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.
- Job control instructions that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.
- Interchangeable routines won't.
- If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.
- If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

The Law of Selective Gravity, or the Buttered-Side Down Law: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Stale's Law: No matter how careful one is in resealing the inner liner in a cereal box, it will tear where it is glued to the box.

Rubitusky's Law: Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner
for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious.

William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Westheimer's Rule To estimate the time it takes to do a task:
Estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task.

Brooke's Law: Adding manpower to a late project makes it later.
Also known as the Nine Pregnant Women will not get you a baby in One Month Law.

Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse.

Featherkile's Explanation: Whatever you did, that's what you planned.

-- Joke submitted by Gomer   [Jokes]



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