Jokes

Posted on 22 February 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise...

"Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

-- Joke submitted by SweetLime   [Jokes]



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A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh sitting in the corner.

"Fancy a pint Vincent?" he asks.

"No thanks," Van Gogh replies, "I've got one 'ere."

-- Joke submitted by hillonthewheel   [Jokes]



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Two old ladies met in the supermarket. After inquiring about each other's health, the conversation turned to their respective husbands.

"Oh," said one, "Bert died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead in the middle of the vegetable patch."

"Oh, my!" exclaimed the other. "What did you do?"

"Came here to buy a cabbage."

-- Joke submitted by Big bick   [Jokes]



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Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

10. Whoops! Somebody grab that ... we may need to put it back in later.

9. Spike! Spike! Come back with that! Bad dog! Bad, bad dog!

8. Is that supposed to be there? The book said it should be on the other side.

7. Sterile, schmerile.

6. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?

5. Gosh, if this works, I hope they name the procedure after me!

4. Okay, we're ready for the transplant, wheel in the pig.

3. Don't worry, I think it's sharp enough.

2. No, don't throw that away, we'll probably need it for the autopsy.

1. Can you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

-- Joke submitted by ticksonovel   [Jokes]



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The bum approached the well-dressed man. "Say, pal, could you spare ten bucks for a soft drink?"

"Ten dollars!" the man exclaimed. "Listen my dear fellow, not even in this city will you find a place that charges so much for a soda."

"I know," said the panhandler, "but it's my girlfriend's birthday and I wanted to knock off early."

-- Joke submitted by Pete_Ex   [Jokes]



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It was down in the depths of the sea, and the little fish were talking about a great monster fish who was eating them all. One said, "The trouble is we can't get away from him because he's got this engine, and he roars along at eighty miles an hour."

The other said, "Yes that's right. He's a motorpike."

-- Joke submitted by eliston   [Jokes]



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The signs of "Advanced Momhood"

Maybe it starts when you realize rock concerts give you a headache. Or that you're offering to cut up other people's food. Or you catch yourself ending a discussion with, "Because I'm the Mother, that's why!" You've reached a new level of motherhood. All the warning signs are there. You know you've crossed the threshold into advanced "Mommydom" when:

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

2. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

4. Your child throws up and you catch it.

5. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

6. You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

7. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon A. Potty" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Terminal, and you do it.

8. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

9. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

10. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

11. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

12. You become a member of three aquariums because your kid loves sharks.

13. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes...it's so final.

15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

17. You lose sleep.

18. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

19. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."

20. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.

"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.

The innkeeper looked pained.

"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it with all the calm resignation we can!"

-- Joke submitted by gargona   [Jokes]



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