Jokes

Posted on 20 August 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

-- Joke submitted by Victoria Howe   [Jokes]



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You're not a kid anymore when:

- You enjoy watching the news.

- You can live without sex but not without your glasses.

- You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

- The phone rings and you hope it's NOT for you.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

- You start singing along with the elevator music.

- You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

- The only reason you're still awake at 4:00 am is indigestion.

- People ask what color your hair USED to be.

- You're proud of your lawnmower!

- You point out what buildings used to be where.

- You routinely check the oil in your car.

- You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style, TWICE.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- 8:00 AM is your idea of "sleeping in".

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- Others ask for your recipes.

- You paint walls for a reason other than getting your deposit back.

- You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

- You wear socks with sandals.

-- Joke submitted by 4broth   [Jokes]



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There was once an elderly, despondent woman in a nursing home. She wouldn't speak to anyone or request anything. She merely existed - rocking in her creaky old rocking chair.

The old woman didn't have many visitors. But every couple mornings, a concerned and wise young nurse would go into her room. She didn't try to speak or ask questions of the old lady. She simply pulled up another rocking chair beside the old woman and rocked with her.

Weeks or months later, the old woman finally spoke.

'Thank you,' she said. 'Thank you for rocking with me.'"

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Things women want to hear, but never do

1. Wow, I just don't know what to do with this money we won in the lottery, so why don't you take it to the mall and see if you can find something to buy with it.

2. Hey, how about inviting your mother to spend the summer with us.

3. Oh, go ahead and eat that third piece of chocolate cream pie. If it's one thing I hate it's skinny women.

4. What luck, they had a special rental rate at the video store on romance movies.

5. You know, that Pam Anderson just doesn't seem to have the brain power that I find so attractive in a woman.

6. What a break, I won a prize on the radio station... tickets to either the super bowl or the opening of the New York Ballet. I got first choice so pack your bags for New York, we get to go to the ballet!!!

7. Who wants to play golf when I can get to see how good the lawn looks when it's freshly mowed.

8. Shoot, there's nothing on TV but football games. Let's go furniture shopping.

9. Man I tell you, nothing feels better than getting all spruced up in a suit and tie.

10. I'm getting a little tired of steak on the grill. How about a nice quiche?

11. You know, I think I'd really prefer the four-door sedan to that impractical Corvette.

12. Golly I think we're lost. Let me find a gas station to ask for directions.

13. My golf clubs are only 30 years old. Why don't you use the money my parents gave us to get something nice for the house.

14. If the guys call and want me to go to that new sports club with them, tell them I'm busy. I really want to get the living room painted tonight.

15. Sports cars are just such stupid little toys for men who have never really grown up.

16. If you're looking for me later, I'll be over there looking at the home decorating magazines.

17. You know, we really don't visit your relatives enough.

18. Why don't you relax this weekend. I'll take care of the cooking and housework.

-- Joke submitted by Xomter   [Jokes]



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Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

-- Joke submitted by kapalanus   [Jokes]



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A wild-eyed man dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed,

"Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power - everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."

-- Joke submitted by Antony Evans   [Jokes]



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What the Professor Says (What the Professor Really Means)

This needs some minor revision.
(I never actually got around to reading this.)
My office hours are by appointment only.
(I like to get out of here early.)

Ten percent of your grade is based on class participation.
(I'll be fudging your grades.)

This won't be on the test.
(Nap time!)

Bring the text to class.
(I don't have a clue how to lecture--we'll just kill time with group read-alongs.)

Talk to the department secretary.
(Get lost.)

Talk to me in my office after class.
(Get out of my face.)

The tests will all be multiple-choice.
(I take questions directly from the study guide and have grad students do all my grading.)

Don't come in late during my lecture.
(I have the attention span of a fruit fly.)

Save your questions until the end.
(See above.)

The final will be comprehensive.
(I'll expect you to recapitulate in two hours everything I couldn't fully cover myself in 15 weeks.)

Everyone will prepare in-class oral presentations.
(This course is outside my specialty--I'll just bluff it and let YOU teach.)

There are two TAs available to help you.
(I can't be bothered.)

This year I'll be scaling the grades.
(I just passed tenure review.)

Let's break up into quiet discussion groups.
(I have a hangover.)

Let's have class outdoors today!
(I had beans for lunch.)

You won't be able to sell back the text to the bookstore.
(My contract wasn't picked up.)

Please note the last day to withdraw.
(The midterm's gonna suck.)

The answer to number 4 is "b," and just skip number 17.
(I only got around to making up the test last night.)

The second list is optional reading.
(I have a rich fantasy life.)

I haven't had a chance to make up the syllabus for this course yet.
(The idiot department chair stuck me with teaching this course at the last possible minute.)

Well, it was on the syllabus.
(I'll hold you responsible for this even though I forgot about it myself.)

We'll just skip the term paper this semester.
(There wasn't enough in the budget for a TA.)

Bring a number 2 pencil to the exam.
(See above.)

Attendance is required and will be counted in your grade.
(I'm so boring that no one would show up otherwise.)

Read chapters 5 through 10.
(I'm not coming in at all next week.)

We'll have to cover this chapter quickly.
(I screwed up the lecture schedule.)

Let's go over the exam.
(Half of you failed.)

It was in the textbook.
(I pulled it out of thin air.)

I'm postponing today's exam.
(There's stuff on the exam I forgot to cover.)

Don't write on the question sheet.
(I'm so lazy I just use the same exams every semester.)

-- Joke submitted by Baker Boom   [Jokes]



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Words of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

-- Joke submitted by U$k   [Jokes]



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