Jokes

Posted on 13 May 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her, and having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn't tell the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches, and went to the bathroom.

The wife promptly went into the maid's bed. She switched the lights off. When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words but quickly got on top of her...

When he finished and was still panting, the wife said: "You didn't expect to find me in this bed, did you?" And then she switched on the light...

"No madam," said the gardener.

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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Just before a new graduate nurse lifted a patient's gown to give an insulin injection, she warned the older gentleman, "There'll be a little prick."

The eighty-nine-year-old man, with a twinkle in his eye, returned, "Oh, so you're a psychic, as well as a nurse!"

-- Joke submitted by Vicky   [Jokes]



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A young straight couple was in love but they were so poor they could only afford to get married at a gay church.

So they met with their gay pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary.

On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.

"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.

"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

-- Joke submitted by Greg Rolfe   [Jokes]



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"I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.

"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.

"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."

-- Joke submitted by the little woman   [Jokes]



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One day a father and his ten-year-old son were on the bus, when the boy noticed a redhead with huge breasts..."Hey Pop," the son cried, "look at those boobs!"

The father, a religious man proceeded to send the boy to an all male military academy, in the hope that he would get some manners.

Six months later the boy came home and the father decided to take him on another bus ride.

Again, a woman with very large breasts sat across from them. To see if his son had learned any manners, the father exclaimed, "Look at the boobs on that redhead!"

"Boobs my eye," the boy replied with a smile, "get a load of the a** on that bus driver!!"

-- Joke submitted by zill   [Jokes]



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A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.

"I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."

"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.

"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."

-- Joke submitted by Ives Petit   [Jokes]



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46 Things that Girls Should Know By Now... But Don't

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down.

3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect gift yet again!

5. If you ask a question you don't want the answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

6. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

8. Sunday=Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

11. You have enough clothes.

12. You have too many shoes.

13. Crying is blackmail.

14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.

15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

16. No we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

17. Yes, peeing standing up is harder. We are bound to miss sometimes.

18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.

19. Yes and no are perfectly good answers to almost every question.

20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. Go see a doctor.

22. Foreign films are for foreigners.

23. Check your oil.

24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

26. No, it does not matter which quiz.

27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

28. If you won't dress up like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

29. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other.

30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway. It is genetic.

31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, neither do we.

35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

36. More women should were Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs.

37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

38. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.

39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.

40. If it itches, it will be scratched.

41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.

43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

44. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "Nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her together.

46. What the hell is a doily?

-- Joke submitted by Umanya   [Jokes]



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Stuff Women Really Need To Know About Men

Ok ladies, this is for you. Some of you just don't know what it's like to be a man, or know what a man wants. Now, while I admit we're not as mysterious as women, there's still some things you need to know.

1. If you're cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

2. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
(Unless the answer is yes).
(In which case, can he videotape it?)

3. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

4. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.

5. Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.

6. It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you're done.

7. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

8. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

9. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

10. Don't hog the covers. Really.

11. If he has to sit through 'Legends of the Fall', you have to sit through 'Showgirls'.

12. 'Fine.' is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

13. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

14. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.

15. Of course he wants another beer.

16. The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.

17. Dogs good. Cats bad. Grrrrrrr.

18. He does not want to be just friends.

19. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

20. He was not looking at that other girl.
(Well, okay, maybe a little).
(Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...)

21. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

22. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

23. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

24. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

25. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

26. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

27. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Did I mention Love it?

28. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

29. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

30. He heard you the first time. Honest.

31. You know, you can ask him out too? Let's spread the rejection around a little.

32. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

33. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.

34. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.

35. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

36. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that?

37. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: 'You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?'

-- Joke submitted by BEE   [Jokes]



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