Jokes

Posted on 16 August 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The hunched-back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.

Doctor: I need for you to get undressed, sir.
(Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)

Hunchback: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.

Doctor: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed.
(Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)

Hunchback: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.

Doctor: Do you want me to examine your back or not?
(Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)

Doctor: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?

Hunchback: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?

Doctor: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?

-- Joke submitted by jaguarmotor   [Jokes]



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Common-Sense "Do It Yourself" Home Fixes

Duh? Isn't it obvious?

1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression.

In America, they call it golf.

-- Joke submitted by Gotlib   [Jokes]



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Florence: Where are you taking that skunk?

Al: To the gym.

Florence: What about the smell?

Al: Oh, he'll get used to it.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed, "I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire."

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it.

Finally, when the flames began to scorch his hindquarters, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop.

As his body hurtled toward the safety-net, the four firemen shouted, "Ole!" ...and quickly moved it aside.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Teacher: If your father and mother both give you 50$, what you will get?

Student: A new video game.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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One Liners

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me", and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

-- Joke submitted by RORCA   [Jokes]



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Unavoidable Laws Of Life

1. When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

2. A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)

3. When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)

4. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)

5. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)

6. If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)

7. Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)

8. You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)

9. Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

10. If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)

11. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)

12. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)

13. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)

14. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle)

15. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)

16. Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)

17. Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of absolute certainty)

-- Joke submitted by clone   [Jokes]



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