Jokes

Posted on 21 June 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A soldier, a sailor and an airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the greatest technological inventions of the modern world.

"It is the laser," said the soldier, an man of obviously superior intellect. "The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry information and you can even use it for photography that is almost tri-dimensional."

"No," interjected the sailor, also an intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is radar. With radar you can track incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it right, you can even heat your lunch."

"I disagree," said the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the thermos."

"The thermos?" exclaimed the other two.

"Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, just think about it. If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you put cold stuff in it."

"Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two.

"Well," said the airman, "How does it know?"

-- Joke submitted by Tom-tom   [Jokes]



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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are crossing an enchanted bridge in Magical Fairyland when they run into a fairy. The fairy says that they can be granted a transformation if they jump off the bridge and call out their wish.

The brunette immediately jumps off the bridge and yells "Eagle!" She turns into a beautiful bird of prey and flies away.

The redhead jumps off the bridge and yells out "Salmon!" She turns into a gorgeous shimmering salmon and swims upstream to spawn.

The blonde is at this point so excited that she jumps off the bridge without thinking of her wish. She panics... "Oh Crap!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."

"Less? Never heard of it."

"C'mon, sure you have."

"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"

"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."

-- Joke submitted by Mark Rosov   [Jokes]



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She: "Well! Let us change the subject. I've done nothing but talk about myself all evening."

He: "I'm sure we couldn't find anything better."

She: "Very well, then! Suppose you talk about me for a while."

-- Joke submitted by Kiki   [Jokes]



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A fellow was following a truck in heavy traffic. Every block or so, when they were stopped at a stop light, the driver of the truck would jump out of the cab with a big stick and bang on the side of the cargo bay. He'd then jump back into the cab in time to drive away when the signal changed.

The first fellow observed this for several miles, until he could stand it no longer. The next time the truck driver jumped out with the stick, the first fellow jumped out and ran up to him.

"I'm sorry to bother you," he said, over the din of the banging, "but I am very curious; could you tell me what you are doing?"

Without breaking rhythm, the truck driver replied, "Sure, Mac. Ya see, this here's a six-ton truck but I've got eight tons of canaries aboard, so I've gotta keep two ton of them flying all the time so I don't break an axle".

-- Joke submitted by Ian   [Jokes]



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The Top 15 Signs You Read Too Many Comic Books

1. More than a little disappointed you didn't get invited to Superman's wedding.

2. Keep memorizing words like "SSPPLLAATT", "KAPOW", and "BLAMMMMO" for school spelling bee.

3. Your resume lists your last three jobs as Defender of the Galaxy, Sidekick to Defender of the Galaxy, and Assistant Manager of InterGalactic 7-11.

4. You shout "Curses! Foiled again" when they forget the catsup at the drive-through.

5. You whack your boss over the head with a hammer and are surprised when his head doesn't pop back into shape.

6. Despite repeated attempts to stop speeding cars with your bare hands, neighbors still think you're just a suicidal lunatic.

7. At age 43, you set the regional subscription record for Grit Magazine.

8. Your compulsive self-narrative renders you too transparent for a career in real estate or car repair.

9. You're the only one wearing a cape at step aerobics.

10. "Holy 40-year-old virgin, Batman!"

11. Wife is getting tired of you introducing her as "My trusty sidekick."

12. Most of your sick days are due to "the effects of the earth's yellow sun."

13. Refusing to admit you're drunk, you vow revenge on the evil "Flaccidus" for your inability to "perform."

14. Your secret identity keeps drinking all the beer.

15. Your attempts at becoming "Danger Cloud" are proving hard on the underwear.

-- Joke submitted by Eddie   [Jokes]



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Bill and a woman are standing side by side waiting for a bus when they get to talking.

"Say," said the woman. "Do you have a hobby?"

"Naturally, a hobby I got, I'm a bee keeper."

"Well, you must live in the country then."

"Nope, right here in the city... in Philadelphia."

"Really? You must have a large house then."

"Nope, apartment."

"Geez, where do you keep'm?"

"A shoe box in my closet."

"A shoe box!? How many bees do you have?"

"Couple thousand, something like that. So who counts?"

"Well, you can't keep a couple thousand bees in a shoe box! They'll die!"

"So what? I hate bees."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Two guys are chatting in a pub and one says to the other, "How did you get those scars on your nose?"

"From glasses," said the other guy.

"You should try contact lenses."

"Don't be silly, they wouldn't hold much beer."

-- Joke submitted by hitcher   [Jokes]



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