Jokes

Posted on 19 May 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!"

The husband replies, "Darling, can't you see I'm trying? I've cut down."

-- Joke submitted by Ed Bodger   [Jokes]



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All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.

Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer.

One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him. "What's the problem?" he asked.

"Someone stole a keg of beer, and some bastard fucked the bride!" exclaimed the father.

The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.

A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled, "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"

As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked, "What happened to make you change your mind?"

Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."

-- Joke submitted by Henco   [Jokes]



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Two eggs decide to get married. Along comes the big day and everything goes to plan.

But they are both very nervous about the honeymoon night so the female egg decides to dress up in a skimpy little negligee to help them get excited.

The husband comes along and sees his wife dressed like this and all off a sudden runs into the bathroom and locks the door.

The wife is very shocked by his behavior but being inexperienced at this she thinks it's normal. After about 10 minutes the husband egg is still in the bathroom and the wife is starting to get impatient so she knocks on the door.

"Honey, Is everything o.k.?"

"Yeah, Yeah. I'll be out in a few minutes."

So, she goes back to the bed and waits. But after a half an hour she is really annoyed because he's still in the bathroom, so she goes up and knocks on the door.

"If you don't come out of the bathroom now, I'm going to divorce you, I swear!"

With this the door opens and out comes the husband egg wearing a crash helmet! The wife egg thinks this is very strange so asks him why he's wearing it.

"Well, the last time I got this hard, someone hit me over the head with a spoon!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

-- Joke submitted by JCka   [Jokes]



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A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since the both lived in the same apartment building. One day he slipped on the ice and broke his arm. Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He responded, "Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"

She readily agreed, and soon after she began washing him she saw a gradual erection began to appear.

"Look John", she exclaimed happily, "It still recognizes me!!!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in a pharmacy. From his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the pharmacist, "How much to replace this?"

The pharmacist says, "That'll be four pence."

Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"

The pharmacist looks the condom over carefully, and says, "Three pence to repair."

The Scotsman ponders for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."

Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and says, "The Regiment has voted to repair!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A fella goes for a job in the Quality Assurance department at Durex.
The foreman takes him 'round the plant and shows him all the machinery and offers him the job.

"What will the role entail exactly?" asks the interviewee.

"Well", says the foreman, "you have to check 1 in a hundred", and proceeds to remove one of the rubbers from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the lights, then places it over his penis and calls the secretary over.

She proceeds to hitch her skirt up, pull her knickers down and bends over.

The foreman gives her a good rogering, after he's finished he removes the prophylactic, stretches it, holds it up to the light again to confirm no holes.

"Easy as that", he says.

"When do I start?" Asks the fella, unable to believe his luck.

"Monday, 8:00 sharp!"

Naturally, our hero hardly sleeps a wink all Sunday night, and is outside the Durex factory waiting to get in at 6:30.

Anyway, the production line starts up and the fella faithfully counts as 100 ribbed black mambo's, (lubricated with sensodol for extra comfort).

He picks up the 101st, stretches it, holds it up to the light to check for holes then pulls it over his old man and calls the secretary over.

Over she comes, grabs hold of his manhood, and proceeds to rigorously masturbate him.

Rather startled and confused, the fella just looks at the secretary who says...

"Sorry, company policy. You've got to work a week in hand."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor; cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher; huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

-- Joke submitted by KaSandra   [Jokes]



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