Jokes

Posted on 16 July 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

When the beautiful secretary entered her boss's office one morning, he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a beautiful day."

"I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forecast is for snow."

"It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you twelve to one."

"I'd rather not," she remarked. "Any other time sir, but that's my lunch hour."

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat.

During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar.

He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, "Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret?

He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?"

"Well," said the barman, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows..."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.

Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.

"I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.

Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Eddie, "Well, did you find it?"

Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

-- Joke submitted by Gill Sill   [Jokes]



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A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

-- Joke submitted by Helen Kardo   [Jokes]



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Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

-- Joke submitted by paramary   [Jokes]



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When you want your boyfriend to play with you, wear a full-length black nightgown with buttons all over it. Sure it's uncomfortable. But it makes you look just like his remote control.

-- Joke submitted by Audrey   [Jokes]



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A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.

"Honey?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Honey," he says, in mild exasperation, "why do you persist in putting a condom in my briefcase every time I go on a trip? You know I only have eyes for you. I'd never be unfaithful."

"Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you," she replies sweetly, "It's just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take it with you, won't you? For my peace of mind?"

"Oh, alright, if you put it that way," he relented, "I'll take it along. But for safety's sake, better give me more than one!"

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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Rules of a True Guy

Rule 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Rule 2: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

Rule 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

Rule 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Rule 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

Rule 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, you may complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

Rule 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

Rule 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

Rule 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

Rule 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

Rule 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

Rule 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

Rule 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight partially clothed or naked.

Rule 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever.

Rule 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

Rule 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

Rule 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Rule 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

Rule 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Rule 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, unless she's withholding sex pending your response.

Rule 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

Rule 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

Rule 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

Rule 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

Rule 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

Rule 26: Thou shall not buy a car or motorcycle in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

Rule 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

Rule 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Men's Figure Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

-- Joke submitted by Andrew Granovski   [Jokes]



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