Jokes

Posted on 25 June 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Boss to the new employee: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.

Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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Doctor: What? Your 'eyes' got a cold?

Patient: Yes doctor, I was wearing a cooling glass.

-- Joke submitted by Frida Solma   [Jokes]



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The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.

"I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George'."

-- Joke submitted by Tina Hoggins   [Jokes]



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A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."

He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'P.S.: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing.'"

-- Joke submitted by Hammerbold   [Jokes]



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"Now my motto in life," said the school chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?"

"My motto is let bygones be bygones."

"That's good. Why did you choose that?"

"So I wouldn't have to take any history classes!"

-- Joke submitted by Umanya   [Jokes]



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The Top 15 Signs You Read Too Many Comic Books

1. More than a little disappointed you didn't get invited to Superman's wedding.

2. Keep memorizing words like "SSPPLLAATT", "KAPOW", and "BLAMMMMO" for school spelling bee.

3. Your resume lists your last three jobs as Defender of the Galaxy, Sidekick to Defender of the Galaxy, and Assistant Manager of InterGalactic 7-11.

4. You shout "Curses! Foiled again" when they forget the catsup at the drive-through.

5. You whack your boss over the head with a hammer and are surprised when his head doesn't pop back into shape.

6. Despite repeated attempts to stop speeding cars with your bare hands, neighbors still think you're just a suicidal lunatic.

7. At age 43, you set the regional subscription record for Grit Magazine.

8. Your compulsive self-narrative renders you too transparent for a career in real estate or car repair.

9. You're the only one wearing a cape at step aerobics.

10. "Holy 40-year-old virgin, Batman!"

11. Wife is getting tired of you introducing her as "My trusty sidekick."

12. Most of your sick days are due to "the effects of the earth's yellow sun."

13. Refusing to admit you're drunk, you vow revenge on the evil "Flaccidus" for your inability to "perform."

14. Your secret identity keeps drinking all the beer.

15. Your attempts at becoming "Danger Cloud" are proving hard on the underwear.

-- Joke submitted by Eddie   [Jokes]



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You Know You're Addicted to the Net When...

1. Everyone one of your friends have @ in their names.
2. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
3. Your spouse makes a new rule... Computers don't come to bed.
4. You laugh at people with 2400 modems.
5. You start tilting your head to smile :-)
6. Your phone bill comes to your house in a box.
7. You find your self typing com after every period.
8. You start introducing your self as 'John@internet.com'

-- Joke submitted by RORCA   [Jokes]



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You work for the government if...

1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.

2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.

3. The process becomes more important than the product.

4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.

5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.

6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.

7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.

8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.

9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.

10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.

11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.

12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.

13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.

15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.

16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.

17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.

18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.

21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.

22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.

23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.

24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.

27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.

28. Art involves a white board.

29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"

31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.

32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."

33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.

34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."

35. Change is the norm.

36. Nepotism is encouraged.

37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.

38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.

-- Joke submitted by fantalady   [Jokes]



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