Jokes

Posted on 12 June 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No," replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

-- Joke submitted by Rob Hudd   [Jokes]



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When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people.

"Do you take children?" the man asked.

"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."

-- Joke submitted by onggoy   [Jokes]



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Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

Doctor: How do you feel?

Patient: A little down in the mouth.

-- Joke submitted by Steve Lieber   [Jokes]



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A drunkard was trying to insert the key in the padlock, but being unsteady every time he attempted, he failed. A gentleman came along and seeing the frustration of the drunkard, he offered to help him to work the key in the lock.

Thanking the gentleman about his offer, the drunkard said, "It is okay. I will manage the key myself, you just hold on to this house, it seems to be shaky."

-- Joke submitted by Tom Fraser   [Jokes]



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There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot.

The first professor yells, "There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be the stupidest kid on Earth."

The second professor says, "No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot."

The first professor says, "Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out? If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner."

The son says, gleefully, "Sure dad" and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says, "Oh Yeah! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave."

Sam says, "OK" and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jake and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father.

Jake says, "Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it."

Sam says, "Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave."

-- Joke submitted by wonderless   [Jokes]



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The visitor remarked affably to the man of the house:

"Your family is wonderfully talented. One son plays the cornet, two daughters play the piano and the guitar, and your wife plays the banjo, and the other children play ukuleles. As the father of such musical geniuses, you must be something yourself, aren't you?"

"Yes," was the answer, "I am a pessimist."

-- Joke submitted by Nancy Atwood   [Jokes]



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Dear Internet - Thanks to you my life is ruined

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas...

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' ! on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda & Singapore and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

-- Joke submitted by ghost   [Jokes]



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Relationship Communications

If you hear, "I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship."
It probably means, "I'm ready for a relationship whenever you are."

If he says, "I want someone who will understand me."
He means, "Don't complain when I spend most of my time with my friends."

If she says, "I'm looking for a fairytale romance."
She means, "Do you have a good job? I'm not working after I get married!"

If he says, "Let's not put a label on our relationship."
He means, "I'm still dating other people so don't refer to yourself as my girlfriend."

If you hear, "I'm looking for someone to sweep me off my feet."
It means, "Take me to fancy restaurants and buy me expensive gifts."

-- Joke submitted by Donna   [Jokes]



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