Jokes

Posted on 13 August 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

-- Joke submitted by tintoretto   [Jokes]



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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he thought," What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch-up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

-- Joke submitted by Charlie Ellery   [Jokes]



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A worker returned from his visit to the doctor and a colleague asked him how he made out.

"Not bad. The doctor told me that I have Math Dyslexia."

The other fellow said, "Gee, that sounds bad."

"Actually, the Doctor told me not to worry, because 17 out of 5 people have it."

-- Joke submitted by Rob Mara   [Jokes]



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Thoughts On Exercising

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently the gimmick is you have to show up.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 89 now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

-- Joke submitted by TheWhiteRabbit   [Jokes]



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Candance: Did you notice that I dropped some weight this summer?

Pamela: From the look of your knees, you didn't drop it far enough.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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In a science class the teacher ask her students how eclipse is cause. One student raise his hand and said, "It's cause when the moon pass through the sun causing an obstruction."

"Very good observation," said the teacher, "Anyone else?" she asked.

A young blond girl raise her hand and said, "Japan made this obstruction. They made this eclipse which my dad drives everyday in going to work," she quipped.

-- Joke submitted by Dina Ronsfield   [Jokes]



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Headlines from 2050

"Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock"

"Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen"

"Baltimore Rams Defeat St. Louis Ravens"

"Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants"

"Younger Generation's Music Provokes Outrage of Elders"

"D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow"

"Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sotheby's"

"Court Clears AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges"

"50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss"

"Baby Conceived Naturally"

-- Joke submitted by John Petkin   [Jokes]



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The Top 16 Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder

16. Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

15. You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the wheel of your running Buick.

14. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

13. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.

12. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again...

11. Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.

10. Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

9. Rides in your car with its head out the window.

8. She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.

7. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.

6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans.

5. Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones.

4. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.

3. Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a .45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

2. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip.

1. Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster.

-- Joke submitted by Eddie   [Jokes]



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