Jokes

Posted on 18 May 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..."

-- Joke submitted by Lana Pammer   [Jokes]



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A Kentucky mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.

When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies, "Heck if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."

The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.

"What in the world happened?" asked her husband.

"Damned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was, and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go piss in her hat, and then all hell broke loose!"

-- Joke submitted by Olivia   [Jokes]



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A young woman went to see a fortune teller who told her: "You will be broke and unhappy till you are fifty."

"What happens when I'm fifty?" asked the young woman.

"Nothing," said the fortune teller. "But you'll be used to it by then."

-- Joke submitted by Ted Milton   [Jokes]



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An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors. The first is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The third is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the attorney's heart," said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

-- Joke submitted by Harry Berryman   [Jokes]



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Sheen decided to ask his son, Carl to go to the forest and hunt some food.

Carl chance upon a chicken whose feet were stuck in the roots of a tree. He cut the chicken loose and told it to go to his house to be cooked.

Upon returning home, he was surprised not to see the chicken. He then ask his dad whether the chicken has arrived.

Sheen: You stupid son! When you see a chicken, cut it into pieces before bringing it back home!

The next day, Sheen was sent to the forest again. This time he saw a beehive, full of honey. He then remembered what his dad said and took out his knife to cut the hive into pieces. However, the bees flew out of the hive and stung him. Carl ran home shouting in pain.

Sheen: Oh you idiot! When you see a beehive, set a fire beneath it to drive the bees away!

So again Carl was sent to the forest. This time he saw a leopard. Seeing the yellowish orange hide that resemble a beehive, he tried to light a fire under it. Needless to say, he was devoured.
Coincidentally, Sheen passed by and saw his son being devoured. He then got angry and pointed at the leopard's stomach.

Sheen: You nimrod! When you see a leopard, run!

Within minutes, he was devoured as well.

-- Joke submitted by Ch-Ch-Cheese   [Jokes]



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It Might Be Redneck Love If

You can't remember what name you used on your marriage license.

You scheduled your wedding during a conjugal visit.

You hit on the midwife while your wife was in labor.

You married your wife for her socket set.

Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.

You think "showing a girl a good time" means letting her bait the hook.

You gave your wife a glue gun for your anniversary.

You've ever won a wedding ring in a poker game.

Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.

You had a marriage license before you had a driver's license.

You've ever told a bride, "You clean up pretty good."

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You and your wife stay married for the sake of the dogs.

-- Joke submitted by Tim Linscott   [Jokes]



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How to Confuse Your Roommate

1. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.

2. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."

3. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.

4. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

5. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

6. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."

7. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."

8. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "Who do you think you are? A king?"

9. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."

10. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

11. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can 't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

12. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

13. Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.

14. Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.

15. Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his side of the room. Insist that he remove all of his possessions immediately.

16. Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).

17. Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.

18. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.

19. Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.

20. Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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At an international medical conference, an American, a German and a Russian were discussing the shortcomings of their diagnoses.
The American said, "I can't stand it sometimes. We treat patients for cancer, and they die of AIDS."

"I know what you mean," said the German. "We treat them for yellow fever and it turns out they had malaria."

"We don't have that problem in our country," said the Russian doctor. "When we treat patients for a disease, they die of that disease."

-- Joke submitted by Max   [Jokes]



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