Jokes

Posted on 24 June 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two old men - Bert and Harry - were sitting quietly in a bar.

"When was the last time you made love to a woman?" Bert asked Harry.

"1945," replied Harry.

"My goodness!" exclaimed Bert. "That's a long time ago."

"Not really," said Harry, glancing at his watch. "It's only twenty past eight now."

-- Joke submitted by greygoose   [Jokes]



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A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.

And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.

"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your picture next to my heart forever!"

She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.

And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.

"Because I want to get it enlarged!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners. The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off -- there's other people trying to get some sleep!"

From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Bad Date Signs

1. Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother....

2. You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her....

3. She has a thicker mustache than you....

4. When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions....

5. Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system....

6. At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic....

7. She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut....

8. At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill....

9. She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you....

10. She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you....

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



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Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover.

The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

-- Joke submitted by Barbara Reeve   [Jokes]



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20 Unspoken Rules to Live By

1. Never ask a woman if she wants to have sex by asking her if she wants to have sex.

2. It is more important to have good health insurance than good health.

3. Don't bluff more than once in a poker game with friends.

4. When one of the big bosses at work unexpectedly says something really cheery and friendly to you, he means absolutely nothing by it. Not even if he's your father.

5. Wear as much black as you can. It makes you look slimmer and cooler. But avoid black jeans.

6. When someone in your family is going through a divorce, always side with the blood relative.

7. Pointedly praising something unusual a person owns or has done will make you appear far smarter in his eyes than a 10-minute discourse on world events.

8. Yes, speak softly and carry a big stick. But don't mumble. And don't swing the stick.

9. The man who can't dance, can't converse, and can't provide psychological support to a woman is only half a man; the other half can't cook, can't clean, and badly wants a drink.

10. Do not get a visible tattoo larger than your penis.

11. Be aware that most people are operating on a very condensed version of the 10 Commandments: the part about murder.

12. There will be times when good neighbors are more important than a good neighborhood.

13. Telling a woman, "You're a great person," is taken as the lead-in to a confession that you don't love her.

14. Trying to "teach someone a lesson" never works.

15. Easy on the mayo!

16. Be careful about publicly discussing your hobbies, as most hobbies strike people as somewhat pathetic: most notably, collecting stamps, coins, or anything else, bird-watching, bowling, rockhounding, spelunking, table tennis, poetry, dog shows, chat rooms, polka music, yoga, herpetology, marathon running, and religion. The only hobbies you can safely own up to when among people you need to impress are fly-fishing and golf.

17. Never buy anyone a gift at a kiosk.

18. Never wear clothing that your coworkers avoid—the bow tie, the suspenders, the green suit. While you might think you're expressing your individuality, your colleagues will perceive it as a rejection of their group culture; you'll become a person who probably can't be trusted.

19. Do not bring lunch to work.

20. Rainbows are God's way of reminding us that beauty is an optical illusion, except in sports cars.

-- Joke submitted by oliviakelly25   [Jokes]



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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh... Can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

-- Joke submitted by Gomer   [Jokes]



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Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

-- Joke submitted by hword   [Jokes]



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