Jokes

Posted on 11 October 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

"What was your score?" asked a seasoned golfer.

"Seventy-two," replied the beginner.

"Why, that's good."

"It's not bad, I guess... I do hope I'll do better on the next hole."

-- Joke submitted by sd   [Jokes]



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Twin blondes, about 13 years old, were constantly arguing and fighting with each other. Their parents finally consulted a child psychologist who suggested that they buy each one a pony, he said that caring for an animal and riding could keep both so busy they wouldn't have time to fight.

So two ponies were bought, a stable at the edge of town was found, and arrangements were made to have stable people pick them up right after school so they could clean stalls, brush the ponies, and ride.

It worked, no more fighting at home, but what the parents didn't know was that every day at the stable they argued other which pony belonged to which twin, the blondes couldn't tell them apart.

They didn't want the parents to find out because the parents might decide to sell the ponies so they asked their friends at school for suggestions on how they could tell the ponies apart.

The first suggestion, cutting about 2 inches off the mane of one of the ponies worked until the mane grew back, the second was to cut off part of the tail, with the same result. Finally someone suggested they measure the height of the two ponies and sure enough the solid black pony was two inches taller that the white one.

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security

And if they've left early, put them in Sales.

-- Joke submitted by Bricket   [Jokes]



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After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country.

"It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour."

The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?"

"Sure", said the Southerner, "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay.

And the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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Man 1: I can either marry a filthy rich, old, ugly looking widow who will leave me a fortune or a beautiful, pretty but penniless girl whom I have to support for life. What do you suggest will be the best option for me?

Man 2: Follow your heart and you will live happily ever after.

Man 1: Hmm, okay, I will do that. Now where did I keep the widow's address?

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Miscellaneous thoughts

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese - think about this one.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!

-- Joke submitted by Steve Lieber   [Jokes]



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