Jokes

Posted on 21 February 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said: "You shouldn't be eating so much candy, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much candy."

The little boy looked up and said: "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old."

The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?"

The little boy said: "No... by minding his own business."

-- Joke submitted by makhno   [Jokes]



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Two drunks found themselves on a roller coaster.

One said. "We're making great time, but I'm not sure this is the right bus!"

-- Joke submitted by Marty   [Jokes]



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The new school librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other Librarian we had could write."

-- Joke submitted by Lucy Povey   [Jokes]



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Fred took a friend driving on a narrow mountain road. After a while the friend said, "I feel very scared whenever you go around one of those sharp bends."

"Then do what I do," said Fred, "Close your eyes."

-- Joke submitted by ppl   [Jokes]



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Parental Observations

1. A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

2. A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

3. A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

4. A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

5. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

6. Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

7. Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

8. Celibacy is not hereditary.

9. Familiarity breeds children.

10. For adult education, nothing beats children.

11. Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

12. Having children will turn you into your parents.

13. If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.

14. If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

15. Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

16. Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

17. It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

18. It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

19. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

20. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

21. One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

22. You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.

23. Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

24. The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

25. There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

26. Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

27. The best thing to spend on your children is time.

-- Joke submitted by Monica Napier   [Jokes]



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Words of Wisdom

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

-- Joke submitted by U$k   [Jokes]



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Definitions

It may help to say the word out loud and slowly...

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot.

Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots.

Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.

Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 200 pounds in a size six.

Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Double Meanings Of Words

1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
3. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
6. The batteries were given out free of charge.
7. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
8. A will is a dead giveaway.
9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
10. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
11. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
12. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
13. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
14. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
15. When you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
16. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
17. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
18. If you take a laptop computer for a run, you could jog your memory.
19. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
20. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
21. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
22. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
23. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
24. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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