Jokes

Posted on 18 June 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetie for Valentine's Day. As they had not been dating very long, it was a very difficult decision. After careful consideration he decided a good gift would be a pair of gloves.

Accompanied by his sister, he went to the store and bought the gloves. His sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time.

The clerk carefully wrapped both items but in the process got them mixed up.

The sister was handed the gloves and the young man got the panties.

The young man mailed his Valentine's Day gift with the following note:

"This special Valentines Day gift was chosen because I noticed you are in the habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings.

If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

"These are a lovely shade, the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,
Honey Bear

P.S. The sales lady says the latest style is to wear them folded down with just a little fur showing.

-- Joke submitted by ritz   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


The young Swedish au pair had been working for the couple for over a year. While pleasant and hardworking, the girl still struggled with the English language.

One day she informed the Lady of the House, that her boyfriend in the Army was coming for a visit.

"That's wonderful. How long is his furlough?" asked the lady.

"Oh... about the same as your husband's, but a little bit thicker," the au pair replied.

-- Joke submitted by Eric Trevor   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Ten Things You'll never hear a man say

1. Here honey, you use the remote.

2. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

3. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

4. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

5. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?

6. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.

7. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?

8. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.

9. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.

10. We never talk anymore.

-- Joke submitted by Brian Westbrook   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A little boy, the youngest member of a large family, was taken to see his married sister's new baby. He seemed more interested in the contents of the baby's basket than in the baby, and after examining the pretty trifles, picked up a powder-puff.

Much surprised at his discovery, and looking rather shocked, he said, "Isn't she rather young for that sort of thing?"

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


What Women Want in a Man

What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

-- Joke submitted by Lulu   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell," she answered, ripping open her blouse, "Look what he did to my tits!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


How musicians do it...

Musicians do it with rhythm.
Musicians do it in quartets.
Musicians do it on a higher scale.
Musicians do it in the practice room.
Musicians do it according to the conductor's instructions.
Drummers do it faster and faster.
Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate.
Jazz musicians do it with improvisations.
Band members do it in front of 10,000 people.

-- Joke submitted by kicks   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5