Jokes

Posted on 19 April 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A guy is feeling depressed and goes for a walk on the beach.

He finds an old bottle on the shore, and when he picks it up a spirit comes out and says, "You look tense. Would you like a good back rub?"

"Well, actually, I'm depressed because I'm so broke. I wish you would give me a million dollars instead."

"I can't do that, but I can give you a back rub."

"Aren't genies supposed to grant wishes?"

"I'm not a genie. Does that look like an oil lamp? And you call what you did rubbing it? I'll show you what a real rub is!"

"If you're not a genie, what are you?"

"Haven't you ever heard of a massage in a bottle?"

-- Joke submitted by Pramtel   [Jokes]



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After spending all day putting in a new cement walk, Mr. Sullivan was horrified to see his kids using sticks to write their names in it.

After screaming viciously at the kids, he came back inside, only to find his wife scowling.

"How could you do that?" she asked.

"It's just a walkway, and don't you love your kids?"

Her husband said, "In the abstract, yes. But not in the concrete."

-- Joke submitted by goldenfrank   [Jokes]



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A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in, the lawyer asked him to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident, he finally got around to the meat of the case.

"...and then she hit me with a maple leaf."

"Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury?" said the lawyer.

"Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table."

-- Joke submitted by Carl Poluchek   [Jokes]



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A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried and now irritated waiter, "I can only serve one table at a time."

-- Joke submitted by Ann Trelawney   [Jokes]



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Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was filled with the paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally for something to eat. He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about least of all was his rent.

As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months' rent Walpole owed on the loft.

"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the verge of making some sales."

"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."

"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Someday this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole used to paint here.'"

"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to say it tomorrow morning."

-- Joke submitted by Jimmy Lackrus   [Jokes]



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A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me." The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.

"Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."

-- Joke submitted by Gomer   [Jokes]



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Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium.

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.

-- Joke submitted by Doug Lanning   [Jokes]



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50 Things To Do In Mall

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream ‘MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King..

9. ..but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re ‘astronaut food’.

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton’s around while reading aloud from ‘Dianetics.’

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, ‘You mean you really can’t see it?’

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17. If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the ‘hidden picture’.

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, ‘I see London, I see France..’

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play ‘Jesus Built My Hotrod’.

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will ‘give you a really wicked buzz’.

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have ‘any giant crap made out of straw’.

36. ‘Toast’ plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing ‘Saved by the Bell’. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling ‘scratch one flattop!’

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are ‘leakproof’.

42. ‘Play’ the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.

45. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say ‘Domino’s.’

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know ‘whether they’ve seen this man.’

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.

-- Joke submitted by kember   [Jokes]



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