Jokes

Posted on 21 September 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.

"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"

"A rose?" asked the neighbor.

"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"

-- Joke submitted by Vadim   [Jokes]



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A customer calls the round-the-clock tech support hotline to ask what hours the call center is open.

"The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week," says the technician who answers the call.

Customer asks, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"

-- Joke submitted by PerichH   [Jokes]



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Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

-- Joke submitted by Barry   [Jokes]



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The VP hobbled in to his house and was greeted by his wife.

"Dear," she said, startled, "what are you doing home so early?"

"The boss and I had a fight," he grumbled. "He would not take back what he said."

Glowing with pride, his wife asked, "What did he say?"

The VP shrugged. "You're fired."

-- Joke submitted by Julie Fox   [Jokes]



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Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,

"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

-- Joke submitted by Ted Milton   [Jokes]



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The coed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds.'"

-- Joke submitted by Ralph Clayton   [Jokes]



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Flying home after visiting her daughter in England, the woman arranged to have her husband meet her plane at the Vancouver, B.C. airport. This meant a stop at the border crossing between the United States and Canada, where her husband was asked: "What is your reason for entering the country?" and "How long are you planning to stay?"

He replied that he was picking his wife up at the airport after her trip to England.

Without missing a beat, the guard asked two more questions in the same businesslike tone: "Is the house clean?" and "Are there fresh flowers on the table?"

-- Joke submitted by Nancy Cohran   [Jokes]



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Four friends were arguing over whose dog was smartest.

The first man, an engineer, called his dog: "T Square, show your stuff." The dog trotted over to a desk, pulled out paper and pencil, and drew a perfect triangle.

The next guy, and accountant, called to his dog, "Slide Rule, go ahead."
The canine went to the kitchen, nibbled open a bag of cookies and divided the contents into four equal piles.

The next man, a chemist, beckoned his dog, Beaker, to show what he could do. The dog went to the fridge, took out a liter of milk and poured exactly 250 milliliters into a measuring cup.

The last man was a government worker. "Coffee Break," he hollered to his dog, "go to it."
With that, the dog jumped to his feet, soiled the paper, ate the cookies and drank the milk.

-- Joke submitted by Condrad   [Jokes]



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