Jokes

Posted on 12 September 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The groom's uncle said, "Good luck young man. A few years down the line you will look back on today and think that it was the happiest day of your life."

Groom: "Uncle, did you mean tomorrow? I am getting married only tomorrow."

Uncle: "I know that."

-- Joke submitted by Bubi   [Jokes]



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Times were hard in Russia after the cold war, but there was determined young man who wanted to buy a new car. He saved for many years until he had just the right amount. Immediately, he went to the car dealer and said, "I want to buy a new car!"

"That's good," replied the car dealer. "We will get a car for you soon. Come back here in eight years and three months ... we'll have your car."

The man replied, "Will that be morning or afternoon?"

The car dealer was surprised. "Does it really matter?" he asked.

"Yes," the man said, "it really matters. The plumber promised me that he would come that day too."

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



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Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met quite by accident. I hit him with the car."

-- Joke submitted by Papa Gappa   [Jokes]



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A young child asked a woman how old she was. She answered, "39 and holding."

The child thought for a moment, then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

-- Joke submitted by Heather Fraser   [Jokes]



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A moth goes into a podiatrist's office.

The podiatrist says, "What's the problem?"

The moth says, "Neither of my parents loved me, I don't think any of my brothers and sisters even like me, and I have no friends."

The podiatrist says, "You don't need a podiatrist, you need a psychiatrist. Why'd you come in here?"

The moth says, "Because the light was on."

-- Joke submitted by Ferdi Kiel   [Jokes]



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An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was homesick.

"No", replied the Irishman. "It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage."

"That's terrible, how did that happen?"

"The cork fell out of me bottle."

-- Joke submitted by P. Etchingham   [Jokes]



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One Liners

1. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it...
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
15. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
16. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
17. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
18. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
19. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
20. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

-- Joke submitted by Emily Garcia   [Jokes]



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