Jokes

Posted on 9 January 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Ninety-year-old Mr Tomkins went in for his annual checkup. When the doctor asked how he was feeling, he said, "Never been better! I've got an 18 year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment. "Let me tell you a story," he said. "I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he went out in a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. He was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"

"No," the old man said. "Tell me."

"The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm driving at," the doctor replied.

-- Joke submitted by foxtam   [Jokes]



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There is a guy who arrives to a town in western Spain, he seems like a charlatan and begins to advertise a potion, which supposedly keeps him young despite the fact that he is three hundred years old.

A farmer, having doubts, approaches one of his assistants.

"Hey, is it really true that this guy has lived three hundred years?"

"I don't know, I have only worked with him for two hundred."

-- Joke submitted by Ted Milton   [Jokes]



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You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...

1. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

2. A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn"... Your boss is standing behind you... It's his wife.

3. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

4. You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled THIS week as vacation, not last week.

5. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

6. You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company's Christmas party.

-- Joke submitted by hitman   [Jokes]



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Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?

Student: The wrong answer.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Customer: How long must I wait for that turtle soup I ordered?

Waiter: Well, you know how slow turtles are.

-- Joke submitted by Emma Ward   [Jokes]



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Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.

"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."

"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."

-- Joke submitted by Antony Evans   [Jokes]



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Teacher: What family does Shantungosaurus belong to?

Jeremy: I don't know. I don't think any family in our neighborhood owns one.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Wisdom from Grandpa

- Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

- Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

- Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

- When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

- If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

- On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past but never the present.

- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

- Many girls like to marry a military man he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

-- Joke submitted by Dan Grem   [Jokes]



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