Jokes

Posted on 22 September 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget. Furious, she screams, "You promised me you wouldn't cheat on me again!"

The husband replies, "Darling, can't you see I'm trying? I've cut down."

-- Joke submitted by Ed Bodger   [Jokes]



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An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

-- Joke submitted by JCka   [Jokes]



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A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since the both lived in the same apartment building. One day he slipped on the ice and broke his arm. Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help.

He responded, "Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"

She readily agreed, and soon after she began washing him she saw a gradual erection began to appear.

"Look John", she exclaimed happily, "It still recognizes me!!!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor; cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher; huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

-- Joke submitted by KaSandra   [Jokes]



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Things Not To Say To Your Parents While At College

1. Are you saying that I'm not good enough for Jack-in-the-Box?

2. Hey dad, are there any openings at your office?

3. I'm converting!

4. I'm coming out of the closet! Just kidding...hello? hello, anyone there?

5. I don't know, I think a nipple ring is very fashion conscience.

6. Who are you again?

7. I need more money for my gambling ring.

8. Hold on a second, I have to get rid of the body.

9. Have you ever tried Vivarin! I mean a lot of it at once! It's amazing. I wrote two papers, memorized the Spanish to English dictionary, made sis a sweater, invented a new way to dry laundry, and I... my, my heart.. I can't bre...

10. I'd love to talk to you, but I have more important things in my life to do.

11. Is it possible to get a 12-year old girl pregnant?

12. Hey mom, you know how you and dad got married at 20, well...

13. This is my home away from home. I have new friends, and a family here with two kids and - um, forget what I just said.

14. I just can't take it anymore. The pressure! The Pressure! Aaaaaaaaaaah! (Click)

15. Mom, send me some neosporin. I seem to have a lot of cold sores.

16. When are you coming to visit! I really want to see you!

-- Joke submitted by Paul Clark   [Jokes]



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Older brother, Joe, was giving advice to his younger brother, Kevin, on how to make love to a woman.

"You need to start off slowly," explained Joe, "build up the tempo, then slow it back down again, then mix it up a little fast then slow."

Kevin seems a little unsure, so Joe shares a technique he uses to keep focused.

"When you're having sex, imagine that you have a pocket full of change. Start out slow and gentle and think of a nickel. Increase the tempo and think of a dime. Step it up a bit more and think of a quarter. Then, as you really build up, think of a dollar. Finally, drop back to a nickel again and repeat the whole thing. You'll drive any woman wild with desire."

Shorty after this, Kevin finds himself about to have his first sexual encounter and he decides to use the advice his brother gave him.

He starts out real slow and in his mind he's thinking, "Nickel.... nickel.... nickel.... nickel.... dime... dime... dime... quarter.. quarter.. dollar.. BUCK FORTY! BUCK FORTY! BUCK FORTY!!!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Funny Acronyms

A.D.I.D.A.S. = All Day I Dream About Soccer
B.I.T.C.H.= Boastful Individual That Creates Haters
B.M.W. = Big Money Waster
B.O.Y.S. = Being Obnoxious Youthful Souls
B.O.S.S. = Built On Self Success
C.L.A.S.S. = Come Late And Start Sleeping
C.S.I. = Cannot Stop Investigating!
D.I.L.D.O. = Daringly Inserting Large Disgusting Objects
D.I.E.T. = Do I Eat Today?
D.R.A.M.A. = Dumb Retards Asking for More Attention.
F.I.N.A.L.S.= Fuck, I Never Actually Learned Shit
F.I.S.H.= Fuck It, Shit Happens
F.L.U. = Fluids Leaking Unstoppably
F.O.R.D. = Fix Or Repair Daily
F.Y.I. = Fuck You Idiot!
F.U.B.A.R. = F**ked Up Beyond All Recognition
F.U.C.K. = Fornicate Under Command of the King
G.R.E.A.T. = Get Really Excited About Today
H.A.T.E.R.S = Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success
H.O.P.E. = Hold On, Pain Ends
I.D.G.A.F.= I Don't Give Away Food
K.I.A. = Korean Imported Abortion
L.A.D.Y. G.A.G.A. = Like All Damaged Youths, Great At Getting Attention L.A.M.E. = Laughable And Mildly Entertaining
L.I.F.E. = Living Isn't Freaking Easy
L.I.V.E. = Learning Important Values Everyday
L.O.V.E. = Loss Of Valuable Energy
M.A.I.D = Mother Actually In Disguise
M.A.N.A.G.E.R. = Meaningless A**hole Needlessly Activating General Employee Resentment
M.A.T.H. = Mental Abuse to Humans
M.C.D.O.N.A.L.D. = Making Children Diners Order Nuggets And Large Drinks N.A.S.C.A.R. = Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks
P.I.G. = Pretty Insensitive Guy/Girl
P.M.S. = Psychotic Mood Shift
P.O.O.R. = Passing Over Opportunities Repeatedly
P.O.R.S.C.H.E. = Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything P.R.O.M.I.S.E.S. = People Really Only Make It Sound Extra Simple S.A.A.B. = Sad Attempt At Beauty
S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life
S.I.N.G.L.E = Stress Is Now Gone, Life's Easier
S.M.I.L.E. = Showing Miracle In Little Effort
S.P.A.M. = Seriously, Poor Advertising Method!
S.T.R.E.S.S = Shit To Remember Every Single Second
S.W.A.G = She Wants A Gentleman
T.E.A.M. = Together Everyone Achieves More
T.H.O.R. = The Hammer's Over Rated
T.S.A. = Touching Sensitive Areas
T.W.I.T.T.E.R. = Things Which I Type That Everyone Reads
U.S.B. = Ultral Small Balls/Boobs
V.O.D.K.A. = Very Overpowering Drink, Killing Agony
V.O.L.V.O. = Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
W.A.T.E.R. = Wonderful And Totally Energizing Refreshment
W.E.I.R.D.= Wonderful Exciting Interesting Real Different
W.I.F.E. = Washing, Ironing, Feeding, Etc.
W.O.M.E.N. = Want One Man Every Night
W.T.F. = Worse Than Failure

-- Joke submitted by Ella Sims   [Jokes]



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25 Stress Reducing Techniques

1. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at once.

2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says "Have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.

5. Make a list of things to do that you've already done.

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send them off to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.

8. Fill out your tax forms using Roman Numerals.

9. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.

10. Leaf through a "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.

11. Tattoo "out to lunch" on your forehead.

12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.

13. Buy a subscription of "Sleezoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.

14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.

15. Drive to work in reverse.

16. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

17. Tell your boss to "blow it out of your mule" and let them figure it out.

18. Polish your car with ear wax.

19. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

20. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

21. Braid the hairs in each nostril.

22. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

23. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

24. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

25. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and place it back in the wrapper.

-- Joke submitted by Mark Kohl   [Jokes]



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