Jokes

Posted on 19 June 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Prosecutor: I'll ask you one last time, did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No sir, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes sir, I do. And I know they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.

-- Joke submitted by Lamber   [Jokes]



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Jill's car was unreliable and she called John for a ride every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one of those calls.

"What happened this time?" he asked.

"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"

"Where are you?" John asked.

"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.

"And where's the car?" John asked.

"It's right here, with me."

-- Joke submitted by Barbara Walker   [Jokes]



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A foursome approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed of and hooked the ball into that direction. But the ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."

-- Joke submitted by Yonezz   [Jokes]



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"If I were Rockefeller," sighed the Hebrew teacher from Chelm, "I'd be richer than Rockefeller."

His friend asked, "What do you mean? How could you be richer?"

"I'd do a little teaching on the side."

-- Joke submitted by Esau Levin   [Jokes]



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A waiter suddenly became ill and was rushed to the hospital. He was lying on the operating table in extreme pain when he saw an intern go by.

"Doctor, help me!" pleaded the waiter.

"Sorry," replied the intern. "That isn't my table."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel better today! The only thing still bothering me is my breathing!

Doctor: Don't worry, we'll put a stop to that!

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Middle Age

A few thoughts to make you realize that we're not wine when it comes to aging:

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun -- and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course I'm against sin. I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

-- Joke submitted by Mark Stone   [Jokes]



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Ten Things to Say about Gifts You Don't Like

1. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that would've fit.

2. It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

3. Perfect for wearing in the basement.

4. Well, well, well...

5. I really don't deserve this.

6. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!

7. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

8. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

9. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.

10. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

-- Joke submitted by Paul Clark   [Jokes]



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