Jokes

Posted on 15 December 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection.

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no... not the Breathalyzer again!"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my prick, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discus politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Obama said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did?"

The parrot says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

-- Joke submitted by arizonaboy   [Jokes]



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A little Native American boy asks his chief how babies in their tribe get their names.

The chief replies, "When a baby is born, the father takes him outside of the teepee, holds him over his head, and names him after the first thing he sees - like 'Running-Wolf' or 'Flying-Cloud'. Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Screwing?"

-- Joke submitted by dilligendo   [Jokes]



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How dentists do it...

Dentists do it in your mouth.
Dentists do it orally.
Dentists do it with drills and on chairs.
Dentists do it with filling.
Dentists do it and then tell you to spit.

-- Joke submitted by Xter   [Jokes]



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It Might Be Redneck Love If

The most romantic moment of your life was captured on a security camera.

You've ever flirted over a drive-thru window speaker.

Your bed is held together with baling wire.

Your belt buckle cost more than the wedding ring.

You go to the Jiffy Lube to pick up women.

Your wife ever had to use her Bear Spray on you.

Your wedding reception was catered by Hooters.

You refer to the van as the "Love Machine."

The first time you saw your wife in lingerie, you had to pay a cover charge.

You've ever had to hide a bra before you make love.

You think "dinner reservations" means they've tasted your wife's cooking.

You wrote your girlfriend's phone number on a bathroom wall.

You met your wife when she came to repossess your pickup truck.

The menu for the wedding buffet included possum.

The champagne fountain at your wedding was full of beer.

-- Joke submitted by Tim Linscott   [Jokes]



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A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm... that's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

-- Joke submitted by Michael Howe   [Jokes]



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30 Reasons Chocolate Isn't Better Than Sex

1. Eating chocolate in public isn't exciting.

2. You can't ask chocolate to wear leather for you.

3. You can't put wax on chocolate's nipples.

4. Chocolate doesn't make a movie interesting.

5. It doesn't take talent to eat chocolate.

6. If you scream while eating chocolate people think something's wrong.

7. If you have a romantic dinner just to eat chocolate for dessert, your date will think you're an idiot.

8. You can't put handcuffs on chocolate.

9. Chocolate doesn't moan.

10. If you eat chocolate in the shower it will melt.

11. Eating chocolate in a large group isn't any more fun than eating it alone.

12. A magazine about chocolate wouldn't sell.

13. Chocolate won't sell a product, no matter how much of it you use.

14. Chocolate is ‘quality controlled'.

15. Chocolate comes with an expiration date.

16. Too much chocolate will make you sick.

17. There's no challenge in obtaining a bit of chocolate.

18. If you don't want any chocolate people assume something's wrong with you.

19. Mixing chocolate with whipped cream will give you cavities.

20. Chocolate isn't fun to undress.

21. Eating chocolate does nothing for your cardiovascular system.

22. You can't write a book on how to eat chocolate.

23. You can never eat the same chocolate twice.

24. Your mom will scold you about eating chocolate before dinner.

25. You have to wait a half-hour before swimming after eating chocolate.

26. When chocolate gets hot it gets harder to eat.

27. Chocolate makes you fat.

28. Chocolate will kill your dog.

29. It's no fun to wrestle chocolate to the ground.

30. Chocolate doesn't react to being licked.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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