Jokes

Posted on 12 December 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A ninety-year-old couple decide to get a divorce. They go to the judge and say, "Judge, we want a divorce."

The judge says, "You've been married 70 years and now you want to get a divorce? Why did you wait so long?"

The couple say in unison, "Well, we wanted to wait until the kids were dead."

-- Joke submitted by Rob Hudd   [Jokes]



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The Ferrari F1 Racing Team recently fired the whole pit crew to employ some young unemployed youths from Liverpool. The decision to hire them was brought on by a documentary on how unemployed youths in the Liverpool area can remove a set of car wheels in less than four seconds without proper equipment. This was thought to be a good move as most races are won and lost in the pits these days, and Ferrari would thus have an advantage.

However, Ferrari soon encountered a major problem: Not only were the lads changing the tires in under four seconds, but within another ten seconds had also repainted, renumbered, and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.

-- Joke submitted by Gabb   [Jokes]



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If Columbus had been married he might never have discovered America because of nagging form his wife, something like what follows below:

* Where are you going?
* With whom?
* Why?
* How are you going?
* To discover what?
* Why you?
* What do I do, when you are not here?
* Can I come with you ?
* Coming back when?
* Will you have dinner at home?
* What will you get for me?
* It seems you deliberately made this...
* Am I right?
* Why?
* Dont lie...
* Why are you making such plans.
* You seem to be making a lot of such plans lately...Why?
* I want to go to my parents' place.
* I want you to come and leave me.
* I don't want to come back...
* I will never come back...
* Why are you not stopping me...
* I don't understand what is this discovery issuer?
* You always do like this...
* Last time also u did the same thing...
* N ow a day's u always seem to do like this...
* I still don't understand what else remains to be discovered in the world.

-- Joke submitted by zips   [Jokes]



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The son of the house had been reading of an escaped lunatic.

"How do they catch lunatics?" he asked.

The father, who had just paid a number of bills, waxed sarcastic:

"With enormous straw hats, with little bits of ones, with silks and laces and feathers and jewelry, and so on and so on."

"I recall now," the mother spoke up, "I used to wear things of that sort until I married you."

-- Joke submitted by Heather Fraser   [Jokes]



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Ted: I had the worst dream last night. I dreamed I ate a 2-ton marshmallow.

Steve: What's wrong with that?

Ted: When I woke up my pillow was gone.

-- Joke submitted by Gomalzo   [Jokes]



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A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused.

After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, "How is she?"

The nurse replied, "Oh, she's quite dopey."

One of the friends said, "We know that, but how is she health wise?"

-- Joke submitted by Orna Jewett   [Jokes]



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A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification?"

He replied without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

-- Joke submitted by Alyssa Wilson   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

2. Why people are so scared of mice,which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Micky Mouse, who is bigger than us?

3. Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?

4. Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from? Why can't you get honey from a plastic bee?

5. Can bald men get lice?

6. How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?

7. Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?

8. If you undergo chemotherapy do you lose your public hairs?

9. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

10. Does the postman deliver his own mail?

11. Why does toilet bowl cleaner only come in the color blue?

12. What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other then your hand?

13. Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?

14. Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space?

15. Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?

16. Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

17. If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?

18. Is it appropriate to say "good mourning" at a funeral?

19. If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

20. When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?

21. Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

22. Who coined the phrase, 'coined the phrase?'

23. If there were a thousand seaguls in an airplane while its flying, each weighing two pounds a piece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?

24. If you soak a raisin in water, does it turn back into a grape?

25. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

26. Why do they call steam rollers, steam rollers? They don't produce, get rid of, or have anything to do with steam?

27. What is another word for "thesaurus"?

28. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

29. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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