Jokes

Posted on 24 May 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

He decides that he just has to see it. The journey will be a long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist.
He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and catches a boat across a huge ocean.

After weeks of sea travel he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.
When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe his eyes, it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to be allowed into the gorilla's cage.
After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells the man that whatever he does he must not under any circumstances touch the white gorilla.
The man agrees and is led to the cage.

He tiptoes into the cage and is amazed; the gorilla is even more beautiful close up than it was from a distance. The white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man.
After a while the man gets use to being so close to the gorilla and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla.
He slowly moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently touches the gorilla.
Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there just before the gorilla.
He leaps through the door and the keepers slam the door just in time.

The gorilla pulls at the door and to the man's horror the bars start to bend.

The man runs out of the zoo and to the train station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is just leaving.
He glances back and can see the gorilla chasing after the train, but not gaining on it. The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers aboard the boat.
The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise back across the ocean.

The day they're due back in port he's walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water trailing behind the boat.
He can't make it out so he borrows a pair of binoculars from someone. He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the boat.
It must have been there all along.

The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view mirror.
He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in locking the door behind him. All the time being followed be the huge white gorilla.

The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to think of a place he can hide.
He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad trying to find the man; he's ripping things up and tearing out doors.
Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in and rips the door off.

The gorilla sees the man and smiles, reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and says... "Tag. You're it!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

-- Joke submitted by Brina Dixon   [Jokes]



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A customer walks into a computer store and approaches a sales clerk...

"I'm looking for a mystery adventure game with lots of graphics," says the customer. "You know, something really challenging."

The clerk looks at the man and says, "Have you tried Windows 8?"

-- Joke submitted by cookso   [Jokes]



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A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

-- Joke submitted by VickyLoo   [Jokes]



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Mr. Anderson: I am very lucky. When I talk with my wife, she always bows her head.

Mr. Smith: Why?

Mr. Anderson: Because she is taller than me.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.

The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."

-- Joke submitted by Xter   [Jokes]



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A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.

"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.

"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."

"What do you mean 'all wet'?"

"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."

-- Joke submitted by Sarah Kagan   [Jokes]



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The Top 17 Indications Your Fiance Is About To Dump You

1. Now refers to you as "The Dipshit formerly known as Sweetie Pie."

2. She starts spending long weekends with Jason Patric.

3. You ask him to pass the salt and he screams: "It's always about YOU and YOUR needs, isn't it? YOU'RE SUFFOCATING ME!"

4. The Bridal Registry includes Jacoby and Meyers.

5. Insists that the wedding date be set after President Perot is inaugurated and that the invitations be written in pencil.

6. Well, somebody ratted you to the SPCA for your illegal ferret farm.

7. The look on her face when she catches you in her wedding gown lip-synching to ABBA songs.

8. Constant complaining that Wedding date conflicts with Wrestlemania XIX.

9. Engagement ring now being used as nose ring.

10. Can't bring herself to say "wedding" without throwing in "schmedding."

11. Cosmo cover article, "Getting Rid of That Loser," written by you-know-who.

12. Takes you to dinner in U-Haul, asks the band to play "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover," then leaves to "get wallet."

13. Despite his earlier promises, he *does* kick you out of bed for eating crackers.

14. When you ask her to sign the release forms to appear on The Newlywed Game, she says, "Not so fast, Chester!"

15. That ad he's running to sell his old ski boots begins, "If you like pina coladas, and gettin' caught in the rain..."

16. As a topic of conversation, your mother's beard is no longer off-limits.

17. On her last conjugal visit, she was sporting a tattoo of somebody else's bass boat.

-- Joke submitted by Eddie   [Jokes]



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