Posted on 24 March 2018

We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.

One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]






The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly.

"All right," says the Doc, "drop 'em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims, "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!"

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says, "Look Doc, what about the rash?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, may I ask..."

"No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"

"Well," said the Doctor, "You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.

"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my ass!"

"Ah," he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]






Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets of Amsterdam one late afternoon. As it gets closer to dusk and the old streets start getting darker, the two girls start riding faster, looking more and more flustered and out of breath, when one girl turns to the other and says, "I've never come this way before!"

The other girl smiles and says, "It's the cobblestones."

-- Joke submitted by Harry Giese   [Jokes]






Q. Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony?

A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at a nudist colony?

A. The girl who can eat the last donut.

-- Joke submitted by Rich Boone   [Jokes]






George of the Jungle lived all alone. There was no one to have sex with him, so instead he screwed a hole in a tree.

One day, he found a woman in the jungle and the call to do the wild thing became too much.

Soon they were making out and getting pretty hot and heavy until George kicked the woman in the crotch.

"What did you do that for?" she exclaimed.

He replied, "Gotta check for squirrels."

-- Joke submitted by Ed Simonovich   [Jokes]






50 Worst Pickup Lines that Ensure You Crash and Burn

Most of you must have read some of these at one point or another or even tried using them. No harm for a nice refresher, right?

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let's go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

4. Your body's name must be visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going.

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way right away.

11. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to "tinker" around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you're the Bomb.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. Wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

19. If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.

21. If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town.

22. Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you"
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants".

23. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.

24. I look good on you.

25. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

26. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

27. You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?

28. F** me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

29. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.

30. Excuse me, do you wanna fuck, or should I apologize?

31. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

32. Do you want to dance, No? Well I guess a fuck is out of the question.

33. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

34. I lost my bed, can I borrow yours?

35. You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

36. My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead till hard, and serve hot.

37. Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

38. You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

39. Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.

40. Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

41. The word for the night is legs, lets go back to my room and spread the word.

42. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, or yield?

43. Hi my name is _____, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long.

44. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

45. Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.

46. Want to play conductor?? You be the engineer and I'll go... Choo choo.

47. You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

48. The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.

49. Hi, my name is Skippy, like the peanut butter I stick to the roof of your mouth.

50. Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?

-- Joke submitted by BZB   [Jokes]






Did you hear that Bill Gates bought the world-wide rights to Viagra?

He's renaming it MICROHARD.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]






Q: How does a blonde turn on the air conditioner after sex?

A: She turns the ignition key.

-- Joke submitted by Amster   [Jokes]