Jokes

Posted on 14 December 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly called out, "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone! Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed.

Out popped the quarter.

The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

-- Joke submitted by Elaine Pancost   [Jokes]



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A co-worker told John that John's wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with John's best friend.

Worried and hurt, John ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.

He came back to the office contented and relieved.

His co-worker asked him how it went.

"Look," said John. "Don't start such terrible rumors! That guy isn't my best friend...I don't even know him."

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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Two old ladies met in the supermarket. After inquiring about each other's health, the conversation turned to their respective husbands.

"Oh," said one, "Bert died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped dead in the middle of the vegetable patch."

"Oh, my!" exclaimed the other. "What did you do?"

"Came here to buy a cabbage."

-- Joke submitted by Big bick   [Jokes]



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A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

-- Joke submitted by Pete Calter   [Jokes]



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A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

The receptionist says, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

Once again the receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but your lawyer died last week."

The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, "I want to speak to my lawyer."

"Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is third time I've had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy replies, "Because I love hearing it!"

-- Joke submitted by law-n-don   [Jokes]



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It was down in the depths of the sea, and the little fish were talking about a great monster fish who was eating them all. One said, "The trouble is we can't get away from him because he's got this engine, and he roars along at eighty miles an hour."

The other said, "Yes that's right. He's a motorpike."

-- Joke submitted by eliston   [Jokes]



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Chemists' Last Words

1. And now, the taste test.

2. Are we supposed to heat that?

3. And now a little bit from this...

4. ... and please keep that test tube alone!

5. And now shake it a bit.

6. Why is there no label on this bottle?

7. In which glass was my mineral water?

8. The bunsen burner is out!

9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?

10. 'H' stands for Nitrogen - and that does not burn...

11. Oh, now I have spilt something...

12. First the acid, then the water...

13. And now the detonating gas problem.

14. This is a completely safe experimental setup.

15. Where did I put my gloves?

16. Oh no, wrong beaker...

17. The fire alarm is just being tested.

18. Now you can take the protection window away...

19. And now, keep it constant at 24 degrees celsius, 25... 26... 27...

20. Peter can you please help me. Peter? Peeeteeer?!?!?!?

21. I feel how long 15 seconds are!

22. Something is wrong here...

23. Where did all those holes in my kettle come from?

24. Trust me - I know what I am doing.

25. And now a cigarette...

-- Joke submitted by Erik Schenck   [Jokes]



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A tourist was chatting with the proprietor of the village inn.

"This place boasts of a choral society, doesn't it?" he asked.

The innkeeper looked pained.

"We don't boast about it," he replied, in low, sad tones. "We endure it with all the calm resignation we can!"

-- Joke submitted by gargona   [Jokes]



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