Jokes

Posted on 25 April 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two blondes are walking around a zoo, when one says, "Look at that lion with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

-- Joke submitted by Bo Wilson   [Jokes]



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A husband desperate to keep his wife happy offers to buy her a new car.

She cutely declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I had in mind."

Frantically he offers her a new house.

Again she rejects his offer, "That's not quite what I had in mind."

Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"

She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."

He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."

-- Joke submitted by Emma Ward   [Jokes]



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This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench in front of a large pond. Across the pond are vendors selling all types of food stuff. The wife turns to the hubby and says, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."

The hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."

She says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."

He replies, "No I won't... what do you want?"

She says, "Get me a strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."

He replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.

The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost?"

The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted."

The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries!

She says, "I knew you should have written the order down."

The hubby says, "What do you mean everything is there."

To which the wife replies, "No, it's not... look, you forgot the pickles!"

-- Joke submitted by Glen Wallace   [Jokes]



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Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what had happened in the past.

Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.

Teacher: Why?

Student: There is no future in it.

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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Harry came home from Sunday school and asked his mother, "Do people really come from dust?"

"In a way yes," said his mother.

"And do they go back to dust?"

"Yes, in a way," she replied.

"Well, mother, I looked under my bed, and somebody's either coming or going."

-- Joke submitted by Nancy Cohran   [Jokes]



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A blonde walked into up to an airport ticket counter and asked to buy a round trip ticket.

"Where to?" Asked the smiling ticket agent.

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, back here!"

-- Joke submitted by Glen Wallace   [Jokes]



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Managed Health Care FAQ

Q: What does HMO stand for?
A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!". Its roots go back to the concept pioneered by Dr.Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A: No. Only those you need.

Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors will fall into two basic categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry - the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just half a day's drive away.

Q: What are pre-existing conditions?
A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we seem to be pre-stuck with it.

Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A: Certainly. As long as they don't require any treatment.

Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid the bill. What should I do?
A: You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms and frog hatcheries.

Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?
A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, then get sick.

Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot.

Q: My pharmacy only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication and it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A: Poke yourself in the eye.

Q: What will change if the government takes over health care?
A: Your coverage will have the efficiency of the Post Office and the bedside manner of the Internal Revenue Service.

Q: Will health care be any different in the next century?
A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

-- Joke submitted by Donna   [Jokes]



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Dad: "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."

Son: (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid."

-- Joke submitted by capell   [Jokes]



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