Jokes

Posted on 18 July 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water?

Johnny: HIJKLMNO

Teacher: What are you talking about?

Johnny: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

-- Joke submitted by Levi Gordon   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Mr Smith was seated comfortably in his living room one evening when a rock crashed through the window and landed at his feet, amidst a shower of splintered glass. To the rock was attached a note: "Unless you pay us 10,000 according to instructions, we will kidnap your wife."

After some thought, Mr Smith sat down at his desk and penned a reply:

Gentlemen,

Your rock of the above date has been received. I don't have 10,000 at this time. However, please keep in touch, as your proposition interests me.

J. Smith

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Why English is tough

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

-- Joke submitted by P. Etchingham   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A man and wife were both in an Internet business, but it was the husband who truly lived, ate and breathed computers.

His wife finally realized how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back, and he said, "No, not there. Scroll down a little."

-- Joke submitted by terminal1   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Outraged by the high charges that the computer service wanted for repair work, one employee asked her co-worker which service she used.

"My sons," was the reply. "They both have degrees in Computer Science."

"So you get that kind of work done for nothing," the friend marveled.

The co-worker smiled. "Actually, I figured that it cost me about $140,000 for my kids to fix my computer for free."

-- Joke submitted by pilate   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


You've been programming too long when...

1. When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5...".

2. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 32 or 64 bits.

3. When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

4. When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

5. When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

6. When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

7. When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

8. When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.

9. When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

10. When you dream in 256 palettes of 256 colors.

-- Joke submitted by Carl V.   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

-- Joke submitted by yon   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


50 Rules for men for successful relationships with women

1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules- No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey", "Darling", and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag", "Lardass", and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is not an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you are not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call... and call again.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything else out.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5