Jokes

Posted on 16 January 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

-- Joke submitted by budd   [Jokes]



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A sweet young thing took her seat on opening day of her college class.

The young man behind her tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Why are you wearing a football jersey?"

She replied, "Why, I bought it and own it, why shouldn't I wear it?"

He said, "You're not supposed to wear it unless you've made the team."

"Oh," she replied sweetly, "Who did I miss?"

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Visitor: "Do you like playing the trombone, dear?"

Child: "Oh, no, I hate it, really, but Mommy makes me do it when she wants people to go."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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Things to ponder

Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

Why do we feel blue? And what colour does a smurf feel when they are down?

What does OK actually mean?

If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn't you see through everything and actually see nothing?

Why are things typed up but written down?

If the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

Why does "closing up" a shop and "closing down" a shop mean the same thing?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

Why do old men have hair in their ears?

Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're biscuits?

If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50 mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

-- Joke submitted by Ed Simonovich   [Jokes]



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A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.

"You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a great deal of experience with this disease."

The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner:

"Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen years."

-- Joke submitted by bastawhiz   [Jokes]



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Teacher: If your father and mother both give you 50$, what you will get?

Student: A new video game.

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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One Liners

I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me", and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

-- Joke submitted by RORCA   [Jokes]



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