Jokes

Posted on 23 October 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

This guy walks into a doctors office and his head is big and orange. The doctor says, "Good god man, you've got a big orange head! How did this happen?"

Guy starts to tell his story: "Well doctor, the other day I was walking along the beach when I notice a piece of metal sticking out of the sand. I picked it up and it was a lamp. I brushed off the sand and *poof* out pops a genie who says he will grant me three wishes.

I say, 'Genie, for my first wish I want a bank account with 10 billion dollars'. Genie says *poof* and hands the me a card with a account number and routing number to a bank account with 10 billion dollars.

So then I said, 'Genie for my second wish I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world and I want her to be madly in love with me'.

All of a sudden *poof* -- I'm standing next to the most beautiful woman in the world, and in her hand she has a marriage certificate."

At this point in the story the guy turns to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I think this is the point where I went wrong. I turned to the genie and said, 'Genie for my third wish I want a big orange head!'"

-- Joke submitted by baks   [Jokes]



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The Three Bears returned one sunny sunday morning from a stroll in the woods to find the door of their little house open. Cautiously, they went inside.

After a while, big Daddy Bear's deep voice boomed out, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!"

Mummy Bear gave a yelp, "Someone's been eating MY porridge!" she said.

Little Baby Bear rushed in, "Forget the porridge - someone's nicked the DVD player!"

-- Joke submitted by Anne Bronte   [Jokes]



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Blonde goes into the furnishing store.

Blonde to the salesman: "Have you got pink curtains?"

Salesman: "Yes mam what size?"

Blonde: "17 inches long please."

Salesman: "17 inches long. What room are they for?"

Blonde: "They're for my PC monitor."

Salesman: "Monitors don't have curtains?"

Blonde: "Hello-o-o, I've got Windows!"

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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At school one morning, the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, "Well, on my way to school I come cross this apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six," said little Johnny.

"No," said the teacher, "It's ate!"

Little Johnny said, "Well it could've been eight, I don't remember."

-- Joke submitted by Barbara Walker   [Jokes]



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There was the accountant who told his client, "There's good news, and there's bad news."

"Give me the bad news first," the client said nervously.

"The bad news is that your business is flat on its back."

The businessperson asked hopefully, "And what's the good news?"

"It's looking up."

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. If people can put up nude statues everywhere, then why can't we run around naked?

2. Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

3. How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

4. How do "please keep off the grass" signs get there?

5. If Hooters started a door-to-door service would they then be called knockers?

6. Who shuts the door when the bus driver gets off?

7. If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

8. They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?

9. How come a pizza can get to ur house faster than an ambulance?

10. Have you ever thought what life would be like if your name was Anonymous? You'd get credit for everything nobody wanted credit for!

-- Joke submitted by Emily Garcia   [Jokes]



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Here’s what your e-mail address says about your computer skills:

Own domain (e.g., @joesmith.com): You’re skilled and capable.

@gmail.com:When the Internet stops working, you actually try rebooting the router before calling a family member for help.

@hotmail.com:You still think that Myspace is hip.

@yahoo.com:You send e-mail chain letters saying that Bill Gates will eat your hard drive unless you forward this message to everyone you know.

@aol.com: You phone friends to tell them about a neat website, then say into the receiver, “OK, go to … h … t … t … p … colon … slash … w … w … w … dot …”

-- Joke submitted by Mary Dobson   [Jokes]



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Miscellaneous thoughts

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese - think about this one.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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