Jokes

Posted on 12 August 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

A blond at a party was telling her friend that she was off men for life.

"They lie, they cheat and they're just no good. From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my vibrator."

"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.

"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

-- Joke submitted by wentwrong   [Jokes]



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Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper one day when he noticed a small ad that read, "Lose weight $1.00 a pound." And it simply listed a telephone number.

Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

To which the man responded, "Ten pounds."

The voice replied, "Very well, put you check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

About 9:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me you can screw me".
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house.

Finally he did catch her and when he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!" He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

To which the somewhat less overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds".

"Very well", the voice on the phone told him, "Put your check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."

At about 8:00 A.M. the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me you can screw me".

The chase took awhile longer this time but the man finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!"

He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! "This is fantastic!" he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"

"Fifty pounds!" The man exclaimed.

"Fifty pounds?" The voice asked. "That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time."

The overweight man replied, "My check's already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in the morning." Then he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 A.M. the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 A.M. he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, "If I catch you I'm going to screw you."

-- Joke submitted by Joe Perry   [Jokes]



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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

-- Joke submitted by BadStudent   [Jokes]



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There was a gentleman living in a small village who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.

Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom young girl who had recently given birth and was willing to help him out--for a price.

The man was desperate because his condition was growing worse, so he agreed to pay the woman the amount of money she demanded. After all, the woman had a newborn baby to care for and the father had abandoned them to their fate.

The first day was a bit awkward as the man showed up and, with a bit of anxiety and embarrassment, leaned over and began to suckle the woman's breast.

Well, weeks went by and the awkwardness began to fade.

One day, the woman realized that the man's suckling was beginning to arouse her sexually. It became almost unbearable and finally, in a sensuous voice, she said, "Is there anything else you'd like?"

The man paused in his suckling for a moment, looked up at her, and said, "Yeah, got any cookies?"

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



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A girl went to the doctor with her knees all cut up.

The doctor said, "What happened to your knees?"

She replied, "It's from making love doggie-style."

The doctor asked, "Don't you know any other position besides doggie style?"

She said, "Yeah...but my doggie doesn't."

-- Joke submitted by ziapod   [Jokes]



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The other day I was out playing some golf and my ball landed on the rough in a patch of buttercups. As I lifted my club in the air I heard a faint voice, "Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups."

I lowered my club and took a quick glance back and forth to make sure that I was alone. Satisfied that I was alone, I began to raise my club and again came the same voice, this time a bit louder, "Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups."

This time I was so sure of the voice that I spoke aloud, "Hello, is someone out there." No sooner than I had finished speaking a tiny fairy appeared before me.

"I am the forest fairy, if you don't hurt my buttercups then I'll give you all the butter you could want for the rest of your life."

And so I replied, "Where the heck where you when I was in the pussywillows?"

-- Joke submitted by Gary Mitchell   [Jokes]



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The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp.

"When I tell you I love you," he asked, "why do you always lower your eyes?"

"To see if it's true," she answered shyly.

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the soldier shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

-- Joke submitted by Clive   [Jokes]



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