Jokes

Posted on 23 November 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

There was an elderly widow who lived in a large mansion. She was feeling generous when it came to Thanksgiving, so she called up the local military base, and asked to speak with the lieutenant.

"Please send up four nice young men to eat dinner here on Thanksgiving, but please, don't send any Jews. Please, no Jews."

The lieutenant replied, "No problem ma'am, and I am sure I speak for the army when I say we all appreciate your kindness."

Well, Thanksgiving rolled around, and the widow went to answer the door when it rang. She was surprised to see four black recruits. "But... But... There must be some mistake," she stammered.

One of them replied, "No ma'am, Lieutenant Goldstein doesn't make mistakes."

-- Joke submitted by Gideon   [Jokes]



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It was the first day of school and the teacher was asking the little boy about his family.

"And what does your Daddy do?"

"He's a magician."

"That must be exciting, what tricks can he do?"

"He can saw people in half."

"That is clever, and tell me do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"Yes, one half brother, and two half sisters."

-- Joke submitted by Raf   [Jokes]



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The 5 Toughest Questions a Woman Can Ask a Man

The questions are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

1. Baseball.
2. Football.
3. How fat you are.
4. How much prettier she is than you.
5. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear." Inappropriate responses include:

1. I suppose so.
2. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
3. That depends on what you mean by love.
4. Does it matter?
5. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:

1. Compared to what?
2. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
3. A little extra weight looks good on you.
4. I've seen fatter.
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:

1. Yes, but you have a better personality
2. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
3. Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
4. Define 'pretty'
5. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5: What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

-- Joke submitted by Pinkerton   [Jokes]



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Thoughts To Ponder

1. Can you cry under water?

2. Why Does Pluto Live in a dog house, eat dog food, etc. but Goofy, who is also a dog, lives in a condo and drives a car?

3. If you blew a bubble in space would it pop?

4. Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?

5. How come all of the planets are spherical?

6. How did the first women ever to shave their legs know that the skin wouldn't just peel right off?

7. When a pregnant lady has twins, is there 1 or 2 umbilical cords?

8. Why doesn't Winnie the Pooh ever get stung by the bees he messes with?

9. Why do they put holes in crackers?

10. Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine" on a nude beach?

11. What do people in China call their good plates?

12. How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?

13. Why don't woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their head on a tree all day?

14. If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

15. If an escalotor breaks down, does it become stairs?

-- Joke submitted by Kody   [Jokes]



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A recruit examines the food served to him in the battalion dining room.

"Do I have any choice here," he asks a sergeant.

"Yes, you do. You may eat it or not."

-- Joke submitted by Brian Hamble   [Jokes]



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Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of a coincidence?"

Student: "My mother and father got married on the same day, at the same time!"

-- Joke submitted by Marguerite Lacroix   [Jokes]



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CARL: What would you say if I told you that I had a bright idea?

ROGER: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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A tourist was driving down a country road in Kentucky when he saw a little boy walking down the road with only one shoe on.

He stopped and said, "What's the matter son? Did you lose a shoe?"

The boy says, "Nope! Just found one."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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