Jokes

Posted on 18 May 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

The ten commandments of marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3. Marriage is grand and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

-- Joke submitted by Pete Calter   [Jokes]



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The Top 14 Signs You're Too Old to be an Astronaut

1. Your resume includes that job as Strom Thurmond's nanny.

2. You're really looking forward to seeing the Ottoman Empire from space.

3. Your historic moonwalk speech? "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

4. Being on oxygen, wearing a waste bag, and eating pureed vegatables through a straw are old hat to you.

5. Your '96 bid for the presidency didn't quite pan out.

6. You can't remember the last time you experienced lift-off, if you know what I mean.

7. Forget the "Vomit Comet" test plane -- you failed the "turnstile" test.

8. NASA fits you for a spacesuit support bra -- but you're not female.

9. "Houston, we're venting some sort of gas out into space... no wait, it's just me."

10. NASA isn't all that impressed that you already get all your meals from a tube.

11. You can no longer see over the Shuttle steering wheel without your cushion.

12. During take-off you keep yelling, "If you kids don't knock off that racket, I'm turning this thing around and we're going straight home!"

13. Demand that liftoff be delayed because of time conflict with reruns of "Murder, She Wrote" and "Matlock."

14. The last time you heard talk of "strange rings around Uranus," it was from your doctor.

-- Joke submitted by Eddie   [Jokes]



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