Jokes

Posted on 13 November 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

"How do you do?"

"How do I do what?"

"I mean, how do you find yourself?"

"Don't be silly. I never lose myself."

"You don't understand. How do you feel?"

"With my fingers, of course. Haven't you got anything better to do than bother me with stupid questions?"

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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Two archeologists, exploring a remote mountain in Tibet came across a huge granite statue which resembled a sitting man. It stood almost 400 foot tall, and its bodily details were accurate down to the fingernails and teeth.

"It looks real enough to talk," says one.

"Lets try," says the other and turning to the statue he asks it its name.

No answer.

"How old are you?"

No answer.

Finally. one shouts out, "What is the square root of 64?"

Suddenly, the mountain shakes as the giant statue rises onto its feet and puts its hand on its chin. Then after about ten seconds, the statue answers in a roaring voice, "Eight."

"Of course!" says the scientist, "... It only stands to reason."

-- Joke submitted by kassandra   [Jokes]



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Two telephone company crews were putting up telephone poles. At the end of the day, the company foreman asked the first crew how many poles they had put in the ground. "Fifteen" was the answer.

"Not bad, not bad at all," the foreman said.

Turning to the blonde crew he asked how many they had put in. "Four" was the answer.

"Four?" the foreman yelled. "The others did fifteen, and you only did four?"

"Yes," replied the leader of the blonde group, "But go look at how much they left sticking out of the ground."

-- Joke submitted by Ed Bodger   [Jokes]



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A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said. "Her name is Sally and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes," he replied. "Sally sells C cells by the Seashore."

-- Joke submitted by Peter Harkey   [Jokes]



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"Can people predict the future with cards?" Suzie asked Little Johnny.

"My mother can," said Johnny.

"Really?"

"Yes, she takes one look at my report card and can tell me exactly what will happen when my Daddy gets home."

-- Joke submitted by Irma Mendez   [Jokes]



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A guest speaker is trying to make himself heard over the racket of a boisterous football team dinner. He complains to the president who is sitting next to him. "It's so noisy, I can't hear myself speak."

"I wouldn't worry about it," replies the president. "You're not missing much."

-- Joke submitted by VickyLoo   [Jokes]



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Dermatologist: Good News my dear, after looking through your test results I'm happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples.

Girl: Wow! That's great! Why?

Dermatologist: There's no more space.

-- Joke submitted by Sandra Karo   [Jokes]



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Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

The girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

-- Joke submitted by hword   [Jokes]



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