Jokes

Posted on 19 January 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.

"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he wasn't sick!"

-- Joke submitted by Keith Zheng   [Jokes]



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On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."

The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."

The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.

The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."

-- Joke submitted by Brian Kerr   [Jokes]



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The local newspaper funeral notice telephone operator received a phone call. The woman on the other end asked, "How much do funeral notices cost?"

"$5.00 per word, Ma'am," came the response.

"Good, do you have a paper and pencil handy?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK, write this: 'Cohen died'."

"I'm sorry, Ma'am, I forgot to tell you there's a five-word minimum."

"Hmmph," came the reply, "You certainly did forget to tell me that..." A moment of silence. "Got your pencil and paper?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"OK, print this: 'Cohen died, Cadillac for sale'."

-- Joke submitted by Alyssa Wilson   [Jokes]



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There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"

-- Joke submitted by Frank Campton   [Jokes]



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There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.

The vet asked, "Is anything happening?"

The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily."

The vet said, "okay" and the doctor went on the fishing trip.

When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?"

"Pretty good."

"Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?"

"Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine."

"Did you have any trouble?"

"Well, there was just one little problem."

"What was that?"

"I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"

-- Joke submitted by BigFist   [Jokes]



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A patient was complaining to a friend: "After two years and $10,000, my psychiatrist told me I was cured. Some cure! Two years ago I was George Washington... and now who am I? A nobody!"

-- Joke submitted by cutie pa2ti   [Jokes]



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100 reasons to party

1. Because it's Friday.

2. Because your dentist canceled your appointment.

3. Because you can't think of anything boring to do.

4. Because it's daytime.

5. Because it's nighttime.

6. Because it's exactly one week later than it was this time last week.

7. Because you like to make ice.

8. Because you want to annoy your neighbors.

9. Because you're dying to wear your new light shade.

10. Because you're tired of playing 'Charades' with yourself.

11. Because you're carrying a party gene.

12. Because you found the perfect shoes.

13. Because you're afraid your lifestyle is too healthy.

14. Because you never know...

15. Because your place could use a good mess.

16. Because your mother needs something to be upset about.

17. Because you have a sudden urge to limbo.

18. Because your inhibitions are out of town.

19. Because the bank made an error in your favor.

20. Because it's there.

21. Because you need more bean dip in your diet.

22. Because the fun content of your blood is too low.

23. Because you look good doing it.

24. Because you're considering it as a career.

25. Because your yo-yo stock went up a point.

26. Because someone's got to do it.

27. Because you have a bad reputation to uphold.

28. Because your plants want to meet new people.

29. Because fun is a terrible thing to waste.

30. Because you want to try out your new jokes.

31. Because it's your patriotic duty.

32. Because you're going for the party record.

33. Because your roommate got rid of his scorpion farm.

34. Because you need the practice.

35. Because you're not getting any younger.

36. Because the vet says your hamster will pull through.

37. Because you've got it coming to you.

38. Because your life is starting to grow moss.

39. Because your brain needs a night off.

40. Because you never met a party you didn't like.

41. Because the fate of the free world depends on it.

42. Because the universe is expanding.

43. Because your dog is finally housebroken.

44. Because it's the only exercise you get.

45. Because maturity is overrated.

46. Because a party demon has possessed your body.

47. Because it hurts too much when you stop.

48. Because these are your "party years!"

49. Because you're too polite to turn down an invitation.

50. Because you can't boogie to a book.

51. Because you have an overactive party gland.

52. Because the moon is in a party phase.

53. Because otherwise the police would have nothing to do.

54. Because curfew has been lifted.

55. Because the phone company lost your Internet bill.

56. Because you won the lottery and feel reckless.

57. Because life seems so dull without it.

58. Because that's how the dinosaurs would have wanted to go.

59. Because you haven't eaten a million corn chips yet.

60. Because you're suffering from popcorn deficiency.

61. Because you're supposed to be the irresponsible one.

62. Because how else are you going to learn to juggle chainsaws?

63. Because your bank manager finally lifted that death threat.

64. Because you need to get to know more riot police.

65. Because your budgie ate your concert tickets and you need to let the party feeling out somehow.

66. Because the voices tell you to.

67. Because if not you, who else?

68. Because it's time.

69. Because the local committee like you too much.

70. Because you need to cultivate a bad impression.

71. Because if you don't you'll explode.

72. Because you got your coursework in on time.

73. Because your lecturer forgot to set work for the weekend.

74. Because you suspect you're too uptight.

75. Because you need to get ready for New Year's.

76. Because THEY don't want you to.

77. Because it's a long way till midnight, and you've got ten crates to get through.

78. Because you want to finish all the food in your house before dawn.

79. Because someone bet you to.

80. Because the dice tell you to. (see Luke Rhinehart)

81. Because you haven't heard a police megaphone for a whole week.

82. Because you want to meet new alcohol.

83. Because that's the last thing they'll expect.

84. Because it's down to you.

85. Because you spend too much time on the Net and you don't want to develop keyboard withdrawal.

87. Because how else are you going to rebel?

88. Because you just want to, alright, ALRIGHT?!

89. Because you're too tense.

90. Because everyone you know needs convincing you're insane.

91. Because your parrot accused you of being boring.

92. Because you know at least "30 things to do before you're 30" that you haven't done.

93. Because you need good reference material.

94. Because you want to create a false identity.

95. Because you want to prove you can.

96. Because you feel like everyone's ignoring you.

97. Because you want to improve your crime sheet.

98. Because you have a very evil punch recipe.

99. Because because because because... because of the wonderful things it does! (see Wizard of Oz)

100. Because you need to work on your purity test score.

-- Joke submitted by Pete_Ex   [Jokes]



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The bum approached the well-dressed man. "Say, pal, could you spare ten bucks for a soft drink?"

"Ten dollars!" the man exclaimed. "Listen my dear fellow, not even in this city will you find a place that charges so much for a soda."

"I know," said the panhandler, "but it's my girlfriend's birthday and I wanted to knock off early."

-- Joke submitted by Pete_Ex   [Jokes]



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