Jokes

Posted on 11 January 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

After twelve years in prison, a man finally escapes.

When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"

-- Joke submitted by ghost   [Jokes]



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Ted and Alice were thrilled when their long wait to adopt a baby finally came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had an adorable German baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped at the local college so they could enroll in night classes. After they completed filling out the form, the registrar inquired, "What possessed you to study German?"

"We've just adopted a wonderful German baby boy and in a year or so, he'll begin to talk. We want to make sure we're able to understand him!" the couple proudly explained.

-- Joke submitted by Rory Miller   [Jokes]



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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying.

They ask him why he's crying and he says, "A pistol hit me on the head!"

They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving.

They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask him, "Kid, what's so funny?"

The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

-- Joke submitted by Xomter   [Jokes]



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In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine-chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of primitive self-expression.

In America, they call it golf.

-- Joke submitted by Gotlib   [Jokes]



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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110 mph, then 120, then 130 mph. Suddenly, he thought," What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch-up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

-- Joke submitted by Charlie Ellery   [Jokes]



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Harry: I lost my pet iguana.

Tony: Why don't you put an ad in the paper?

Harry: What good would that do? He can't read.

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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A hillbilly woman was asked by the town banker to open a bank account. She declined, saying, "I keep my money safe to the house."

The banker said, "You've got four strapping sons. Don't they try to get at your bankroll once in a while?"

The hillbilly woman said, "I keep it where they won't find it."

"Where would that be?"

"Under the soap!"

-- Joke submitted by Elaine   [Jokes]



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Unavoidable Laws Of Life

1. When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)

2. A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)

3. When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)

4. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)

5. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)

6. If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)

7. Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)

8. You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)

9. Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

10. If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)

11. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)

12. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)

13. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)

14. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle)

15. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)

16. Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)

17. Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of absolute certainty)

-- Joke submitted by clone   [Jokes]



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