Jokes

Posted on 13 February 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two friends were standing in a bank when a pair of robbers entered. Not only did the thieves clean out the tills, but they walked around with bags and ordered everyone to throw their valuables in.

Just as the robbers got to the pair, one of the friends turned to the other and, passing him a bill, said, "By the way, Joe, here's that twenty bucks I owe you."

-- Joke submitted by Wildcard   [Jokes]



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A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States."

Receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"

Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

-- Joke submitted by hitman   [Jokes]



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"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.

"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.

Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"

"No..." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

-- Joke submitted by Ann Trelawney   [Jokes]



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Good vs. Great Friends

A good friend will bail you out of jail.

A great friend will be in the cell next to you saying, "Damn, that was fun!"

-- Joke submitted by MrGold   [Jokes]



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"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true?"

"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

-- Joke submitted by yal   [Jokes]



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You Might Be a Musician if...

1. Your heros are Palestrina and Mussorgsky.

2. You can sing all of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.

3. You begin conducting with a piece of uncooked spaghetti.

4. You can describe two differences between opera and oratorio.

5. You can play more instruments than the average person can name.

6. You try to figure out what song is printed on cute music mugs you see in stores.

-- Joke submitted by Alice Pak   [Jokes]



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An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure.

The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.

Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country he was told to turn due South. Knowing that this turn would now throw him further behind schedule he inquired, quite agitated, to the controller for the reason of the turn off course. The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.

The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over 6 miles above the earth!"

The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747's collide!"

-- Joke submitted by Ed Bodger   [Jokes]



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What I Don't Do

1. I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

2. I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves. I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

3. I don't mind the dust bunnies because .... they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

4. I don't disturb cobwebs because . I want every creature to have a home of their own and hubby loves spiders.

5. I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

6. I don't plant a garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way. He is an excellent designer.

7. I don't put things away because ... my husband will never be able to find them again.

8. I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

9. I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

10. I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!

-- Joke submitted by Alan Hugh   [Jokes]



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