Jokes

Posted on 10 January 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

-- Joke submitted by tintoretto   [Jokes]



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A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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There's a redhead a brunette and a blonde. They all ring the NASA space center.

The redhead says to the flight technician, "I want to go to the moon". The flight technician says she can go tomorrow.

The brunette says, "I want to go to Mars". He says she can go next week.

The blonde says, "I want to go to the sun".

The flight technician says, "Don't you know you'll burn up?"

The blonde says, "Oh, it's OK, I want to go at night."

-- Joke submitted by Spatch   [Jokes]



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A teenager was sitting in church, and when the collection plate was passed around, he quickly pulled a dollar bill from his pocket and dropped it in.

Just then, the person behind him tapped him on his shoulder and handed him a $20 bill. The boy smiled, placed the $20 in the plate, and passed it on, admiring the man's generosity.

Then the boy felt another tap from behind and heard a whisper: "Son," the man said, "that was your $20 bill that had fallen out of your pocket."

-- Joke submitted by anonymous   [Jokes]



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The drunken defendant appears yet again before the tired judge, who says, "You have been constantly appearing before me for the past twenty years."

Replied the drunk: "Can I help it if you can't get promoted?"

-- Joke submitted by Duffy Sheeran   [Jokes]



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A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby.

Two elderly women approached the mother. "Are they twins?" one asked.

"No, they're three months apart."

"My! You sure had them close together."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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Top ten ways to annoy your waiter

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

-- Joke submitted by Keira Tooker   [Jokes]



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You Might Be A Physics Major If...

1. It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

2. The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.

3. You are completely addicted to caffeine.

4. You can translate English into Binary.

5. You can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."

6. You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

7. You consider ANY non-science course "easy."

8. You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

9. You have a pet named after a scientist.

10. You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.

11. You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.

12. You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.

13. You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.

14. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

15. You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

16. You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

17. You understood more than five of these indicators.

-- Joke submitted by Betty Green   [Jokes]



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