Jokes

Posted on 18 August 2017


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the blonde waitress walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

-- Joke submitted by Victoria Bartlett   [Jokes]



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A blonde came into work one day in tears. The boss saw her and thought he better ask what was wrong.

The blonde replied, "My mom just died this morning."

Her boss was shocked and asked her if she would like the rest of the day off.

"No thank you," she replied, "I better stay here and keep my mind off of it."

So both went on with their day until the blonde woman was again crying.

"What's wrong?" Her boss asked once more.

"My sister just called and said that her mom just died, too!"

-- Joke submitted by Peter Purvis   [Jokes]



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Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

-- Joke submitted by Doug Lanning   [Jokes]



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Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

-- Joke submitted by Kaataa   [Jokes]



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A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It was only a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive only some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

-- Joke submitted by go-shan   [Jokes]



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Drink fault-finding guide

A solution to all of your drinking troubles.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

-- Joke submitted by green been   [Jokes]



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You Know You're Too Stressed If...

1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.

2. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up.

3. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

4. The Sun is too loud.

5. Trees begin chasing you.

6. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.

7. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.

8. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.

9. You can hear mimes.

10, You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.

11. Things becomes "Very Clear".

12. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go.

13. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense.

14. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Channelers can understand.

15. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

16. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!!!" even though you are the only one in the room.

17. Your heart beats in 7/8 time.

18. David Lynch comes up to you and says: "Hey! Can I film you?"

19. You and Reality file for divorce.

20. You can skip without a rope.

21. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.

22. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can't quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before..

23. You can travel without moving.

24. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.

25. You discover the aesthetic beauty of office supplies.

26. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row over it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

27. Teddy bears begin to bully you for milk and cookies.

28. You have an irresistible urge to bite the noses of the people you are talking to.

29. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before...

-- Joke submitted by Greg Pyatt   [Jokes]



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A man who was born with no arms wished to seek employment. Fearing nobody would want to hire him with his obvious disability, he thought he'd answer a help wanted sign he saw posted at his church. He rang the bell at the rectory and when the pastor opened the door he was moved with pity.

He asked, "What can I do for you, my son?" The man said I've come to answer your help wanted ad.

The pastor became concerned and said that ad is for a bell ringer. He stammered that he didn't think he'd be able to handle the job.

The man pleaded and said, "Won't you give me a chance so I can show you what I'm capable of?"

The pastor relented and hired him.

The time came when the church bell had to be rung. The man made his way under the bell, took a running start and threw his body against the bell which resulted in a booming "BONNGGGG". As soon as the vibrations subsided, he took another running start and threw his body into the other side of the bell with the expected result of "BONNNGG", and so it went. Now our armless friend was at the job for several months to the delight of the pastor.

One day the guy was running late and in his haste he ran up to the belfry and got his running leap at the bell without first getting under the bell. As he ran right off the side of the tower he screamed. Everyone from within the church filed out and just stared.

Finally somebody said, "Poor fellow, does anybody knows who he is?"

To which came the answer from someone in the back, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

-- Joke submitted by Homer Kuhn   [Jokes]



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