Jokes

Posted on 15 January 2018


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

-- Joke submitted by fredsken   [Jokes]



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A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," lets her.

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her, gets mad.

A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, says, "Now what are you mad about?"

A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you I'm not going to tell you."

-- Joke submitted by duffy   [Jokes]



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At a naval barracks the enlisted men were being given their shots prior to going overseas. One lad, having received his series of injections, asked for a glass of water.

"What's the matter, Mate?" asked the sick bay attendant. "Do you feel pain?"

"No, just checking to see if I'm still watertight."

-- Joke submitted by Lorraine   [Jokes]



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The neighbor of a young man was having trouble with her washing machine and asked him to come over and take a look at it.

"I'm not very good at fixing these things," he admitted. "The last time I tried your husband had to buy a new one."

"I know," she replied, smiling.

-- Joke submitted by Elaine   [Jokes]



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Nine lives

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you."

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

-- Joke submitted by zol   [Jokes]



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After answering correct, the teacher said, "Smith, tell me an important incident which never happened before within ten years."

Smith: "I answered correct today."

-- Joke submitted by edd   [Jokes]



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17 rules between men and women

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any given time..

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express, written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks ackbone, and is a wimp.

16. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

-- Joke submitted by Erika   [Jokes]



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This is a list of fun things professors can do for fun on the
first day of class.

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange
gurgling noises.

2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class
for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that
yesterday was the last day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and
scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding
crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a
student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks
you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The
Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy."

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat,
hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give
the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their
responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade
book while muttering "tsk, tsk."

9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird."

10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the
class whether your butt looks fat.

11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus
class. Giggle throughout it.

13. Announce "you'll need this," and write the suicide prevention
hotline number on the board.

14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore
all questions.

15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's
"Sex Machine."

16. Ask occasional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering
Simps would know," and move on before anyone can answer.

17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local
phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be
a quiz.

18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals
ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

19. Address students as "worm."

20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based
on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could
happen at any moment.

21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and
begin singing spirituals.

22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill
out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each
student's name, rank, and serial number.

24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and
announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone
asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis
song.

26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into
space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume
your sentence and proceed normally.

27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When
someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make
throttling motions with your hands.

28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey."

30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite
numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove."

31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their
class projects.

32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and
code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format
statements.

33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named
"Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot." Whenever someone asks a
question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll it be,
McGee?"

34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles."

35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a
base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named
after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail
students who don't use it.

36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at
irregular intervals.

37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the
teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and
office hours.

38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while
you lecture.

39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial
breaks" every ten minutes.

41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or
"fake the funk."

42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and
deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to
oral hygiene.

44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica
will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on
Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup
sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade
book.

46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on
your tie.

47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your
class.

49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise
students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter
something about "that bug I picked up in the field."

50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are
you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"

-- Joke submitted by kassandra   [Jokes]



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