Jokes

Posted on 19 March 2019


We are happy to share with you a collection of funny jokes updated daily. As always, we appreciate your contribution to this collection.

Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.

"What did you find?" he asks.

"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind'".

"And how is it?"

"Nothing much. The book was better."

-- Joke submitted by Max Rubin   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


An urbanite retired and moved to the country. Every morning he put on his denims and a straw hat and made every effort to become a country gentleman.

One day an old friend came to visit him from the city. As he was showing him around the farm they came to the gentleman's pride and joy...a fine-looking horse.

"Yes sir," said the gentleman, "I go for a buggy ride almost every morning. How about I hitch up old Sea Biscuit and we go for a ride?"

"Suits me," answers the friend.

The gentleman started to harness the horse, but the animal resisted having the bit put in his mouth. It was obvious that the new farmer had no idea how to harness a horse, and after the tenth attempt to get the horse to open its mouth, the guest said, "Why don't you wait until he yawns?"

-- Joke submitted by Carl   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

-- Joke submitted by Liz Gross   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


The Rules of Bureaucracy

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 10% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

-- Joke submitted by Jackie   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


The lady was one of the new rich and, not wishing to appear a snob, invited her old friends to the house.

She was now taking them on a tour of the establishment and had reached the room where they would dine that evening.

"These knives and forks are solid silver," she said, "Even the chains they're fastened to have real emeralds."

-- Joke submitted by Joanie   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


A very intelligent boy was fortunate enough to be receiving a far better education than his parents had enjoyed, and his vocabulary far outstripped theirs. One day he came home from school and said, "Mommy, may I relate to you a narrative?"

"What's a narrative, Gerald?" she asked.

"A narrative, Mommy, is a tale."

"Oh, I see," said his mother nodding, and Gerald told her his story. At bedtime as he was about to go upstairs he said, "Shall I extinguish the light Mommy?"

"What's extinguish?" she asked.

"Extinguish means to put out, Mommy," said brainy Gerald.

"Oh, I see. Yes, certainly."

The next day the clergyman came to tea and the family dog began to make a nuisance of himself, as a dog will, by begging for goodies from the table.

"Gerald," said his mother, trying to impress, "take that dog by the narrative and extinguish him!"

-- Joke submitted by Zamember   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Facts

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love... but you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

-- Joke submitted by Selinder   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5


Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

1. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

3. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car - GO CRAZY.

4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend... you might want to consider throwing a party.

6. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

8. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

9. Father's Day? Aaahh, don't worry about that - it's no big deal.

-- Joke submitted by ritz   [Jokes]



  1

  2

  3

  4

  5